But the shape we meant to make is gone.

There's an Iron & Wine album that I go to when I want familiarity and comfort. I've been pulling it out recently. It's funny because it started out as what I call my, "paper writing music." Originally, I bought the album, because I wanted something that would foster creativity, but wouldn't distract me. I wanted something that would sound good in my ears, but I couldn't sing along to. It started as background noise to fill unwanted silence and to drown out the chaos around me. It did accomplish those things. I met the goal that I set out to achieve with these songs, but they have done so much more than fill space. They have done so much more than drown out the intensity of the noises around me.

I have listened to these songs in my favorite coffee houses, in the many rooms of the many homes that I have known over the past fews years. I've listened to these songs on the lawn of the Court of Carolina and on rainy days in the common area of the 1911 building. I've listened to these songs in cars and in headphone on planes. I've listened to these songs as I've filled the empty pages of books with the pieces of my little heart all out of order.

I've listened to these songs while writing, but what I've come to notice about these songs that started out as just songs, is that I've also listened to them while doing so many other life things. They started as songs to listen to while writing for school, but I've listened to them while reading the words of others, while cooking dinner, while thinking and praying and hoping for more out of all of this nothingness.

What began as nothing has become my comfort, my safety. What began as an ends to a means has become the means itself. I now know every word to every one of the songs on this album. I know these songs like they are a part of me. I know them in the way that a bird knows how to fly. They make sense in my world like the back of my hand makes sense.

But I had no intention of all that when I set out to find a few songs to listen to while I did homework. I've known that this paper writing music affects the way I write my papers. What I haven't always known is the way these songs have bled over into my heart. I want them around so often when I'm writing, but I also just want them around so often because I have found in them beauty and hope, glimpses of forever and encouragement to stand up and get my hands dirty.

You know, so often I think of the things that I do as a way to accomplish other things. I drive my car to arrive at a specific destination. I sing in church on Sunday to give glory to a God that loves me. I ask a sister, "what is wrong?" to get to the bottom of the issue. I cry to feel the pain of waiting. I laugh to share in the joy we have been given. And these are all good things.

But these songs remind me that there is purpose and value and meaning behind the way we do the thing that accomplish the other things. It matters how I go about writing my papers, driving my car, singing my songs. It all matters, because these things are not just a means to an end. These things are shaping me and they are shaping us. These things are shaping the way that I interact with the world around me and they are shaping the way that I interact with my Father. These things that I do matter and the way that I do these things that I do matter too.

Sometimes that is beautiful. Sometimes that is scary.

I am grateful for these songs full of beauty and truth. I am thankful for the empty space they create each time I turn them on. Space to exist honestly and without expectation, space to do nothing, space to do everything that matters.

Maybe you have a space like this too. My hope is that you do. Maybe it looks like an album. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe I'm nuts.

More recently when I listen to these old and familiar songs I have been reminded of the beauty that so often exists in the mundane. If we would just take a moment to look we might just see Jesus. We might see him in the paper writing or phone call making or grocery store shopping. We might just get a glimpse of eternity if we would begin to live like a people who really believe that we spend all of our days with endlessly valuable, eternal souls surrounding us.

I'm not sure that I can put words to the comfort I've found in these paper writing, heart beating, life giving songs that I listen to every now and then. They have convinced me that very little, if anything at all, is neutral. I am learning every day that there is nothing we do that only fills space. Things can feed us or take from us, point us to truth or point us away from truth. Things we do and the way we do the things we do all matter if not for any reason other than the fact that they are all changing us in one way or another.

Give me eyes, ears, hands and feet that care deeply about how I get from point A to point B and how I help others do the same. Let me love the gray. Quiet my soul and give me your peace.

Give me understanding that I may live.