Week dos.

Do I wish that things were easy? That is the question I am asking myself at the end of today. It is Tuesday. It feels like it should be at least Thursday. This week I feel like I have crammed a whole weeks worth of things into two little days. We have a lot of stuff going on that we are planning for our week of service at the end of July. We have a lot going on in the coming days and weeks that we are preparing for. We have a lot relationally going on as we continue to feel out how our team is going to work together. I have a lot on my mind just having to do with conversations and things I have talked about with people. My body isn't that tired today, but my brain is, my heart is. Our weeks are full. They are full of things needing to get done but they are also fully of love. We have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to love one another and ourselves. How to care for the families that we interact with and how to care for each other. There's no other way to put it. Days turn into weeks and the weeks just feel very full.

I had my first counseling session today. I love it and hate it so much. I'm glad that I am here and I wouldn't trade this experience for anything, but today was hard. Sitting in that room and being honest about where I am and how I am doing was hard. A huge prayer request that I have would be for my willingness to be vulnerable, to be real with people, to be honest.

We had dinner with another family from the church tonight. We really are so lucky that we get to hang out and break bread with these beautiful families each week. Tonight we went out to eat with the Bryants. They have two adorable little kids. I was coming into the dinner with a cloud over my head. I had a really intense counseling session and then a worship debrief meeting (where I was so distracted that I maybe said one thing the entire time) and pretty shortly after that we went to dinner. My mind had just been going since my meeting with Todd. I was processing and bouncing things around up there. I was just replaying everything that we talked about, and then all of the sudden I was expected to talk to these people I'd never really met before. I was struggling to be there fully. But I sat next to their daughter, Davis, and I got to talk to her throughout the meal. I love talking to little kids. I love where their minds go. I wish I still had some of that innocence or ignorance or whatever it is that makes kids so cute and great and awesome. After we had all eaten most of our meal, Davis asked me if she could sit in my lap. Duh. That adorable little child cuddled up on my lap made me feel so close to God's love. She gave me love so freely. She was so interested to hear about what my favorite color was and what I want to be when I grow up (she wants to be a cooker aka a chef). I couldn't have asked for a better way for God to remind me of what I am called to and how much he loves me. And I think that's where I will find my answer to that question. Do I wish this was easy? If you had asked me a few hours ago, I probably would have said yes, but I get to learn and grow closer to God's love through the intensity and through the uncertainties and through the hard stuff. Tonight I am thankful for the hard stuff, and for the support and relief Jesus provides in the most unlikely places.

We had some really great intern hang out time after dinner. I really love these guys a lot.

Weekend.

The power is out at the Weatherly's house/my house.

I am thankful for the weekend. I am thankful for free time, and the opportunity to create my own schedule. Greensboro is a cool place. It's big enough that there is stuff to do, but it's not so big that I feel lost or swallowed up. Friday a bunch of us went to see the new xmen movie. I love all of the xmen movies, like a lot. I don't know what it is about them. I've alway been captivated by the science fiction/fantasy genre. I'm not sure how it happened, but I love that kind of stuff. The movie wasn't my favorite of the series, but I liked it nonetheless. Give me anything with mutant humans who have special powers and I'll probably love it. I got to go to First Friday downtown later on Friday night. I know we have it in Raleigh, but I've never been. It was really cool. There are art galleries and shops stay open later. There was live music and a little indie market. It was really fun. so many people were hanging out downtown. It was just cool. I liked the atmosphere.

Saturday I woke up early (at least early for a Saturday) and headed to the lake. There is a group of us who have been going to the lake since forever ago. I started going in the mid to late high school years, but they were going long before I got here. One of my best friends from high school, Kat, has a lake house where we used to go spend a week every summer. Now we are all older and have jobs and responsibilities. We're lucky if we can coordinate one day where we all can make it. There are eight of us that used to go in high school. Four of us made it out to Badin Lake on Saturday. We missed those that couldn't come. I can't really even explain how grateful I am for those three girls I got to spend the day with. Abby, Sarah, Kat and I go back to the Wesleyan days. These girls know me like no one else. They have seen me at my absolute worst, and somehow they still manage to show me love and compassion. We've hurt each others feelings so many times it's hard to believe we can still stand each other, but there's God's grace in action. They all love me so well. They know my strengths, they know my weaknesses, they know my heart, my hurts, they really know it all. I am so grateful for that day with them. For their hearts, their honesty, their laughs, their stories. I pray for my beautiful friends. That Jesus would fill each of them up every morning. That he would make known in their hearts his abounding love for each of them. That as we all do separate things this summer, he would use our relationships to make us stronger, to refresh us, to give us examples of his love and grace. Such an encouraging, restful, fun day on the lake.

Sunday was loooong. I got up early and met my brother and his girlfriend for breakfast before getting to the church to help setup. So good to get to spend some time with my little brother. I miss him. I got to hang out with the elementary school kids in Sunday school while the service was going on, so I didn't get to hear the sermon, but I did get to hang out with the kids. I love their energy. We (interns) started working on a promotional video for the OUR GSO week at the end of July after church. We did stuff with that until we all had to part and go to Community Group.

After Community Group I came back to the Weatherly's house and thought about watching tv (which I haven't done in ages) but right when I sat down on the couch the power blew out. So I wrote some of this and then went to sleep (at 10pm). I was tired.

Keep me ever trusting, resting.

It is Friday, which means that it is my day off. We get Fridays and Saturdays off. I slept in today. I love sleep way too much.

The past few days have been encouraging to me. They have been full of kind, uplifting words from people that I love. They have been full of sweet moments with people that have known me forever, and people I have only just met. I have been exhausted in every sense of the word, but I wouldn't go back and change they way any of it played out.

I was feeling pretty drained after the first few days of this week. I think just being around the same people all of the time, and not ever being able to escape to the comfort of people that already know, get, and accept me. It was hard for me to be, in a sense, trapped like that. I have nothing against these people, and I have only the utmost respect for them and I desire to know them better, but it was getting overwhelming, especially because of the nature of this internship. It is very relationally focused; we are not just working alongside of each other, we are working to dig into each others lives and build deep relationships. I am all for that. I think it's great, but in order for that to happen (at least for me) I have to have time alone and I have to have time where I get reinforced by already existing healthy relationships. I need that to be able to process all the other stuff. I've gotten those things over the past few days, and I am thankful it was possible. I am thankful for the old and the new people. I hope I can do a better job of taking care of myself in the weeks to come.

Wednesday nights this summer we get to have dinner with a different elder from the church and their family. This week we kicked things off with the Osborne family. They prepared for us a huge, delicious meal. Instead of all giving our brief "autobiography" we each told about the person we were sitting next to. It was a fun way to do it. I liked it. After dinner, we played Banana Grams. I'd never played before. It's basically just speed scrabble. It was really fun! We hung out and talked and just had another relaxing, fun night.

Yesterday I got a good bit of work done in the morning. I missed the first youth event (which I'm told ended up going quite well) to go and see Calvin's school play. Calvin is an elementary schooler who is in my community group. He was prince charming in his schools production of Cinderella. It was so cute!!! I wish I had a picture to post on here of his sweet little prince outfit! He was the best prince charming I have ever seen! So, so glad I could go.

I'm trying to be more honest with myself, others, and God.

I'm trying to stand on solid things that don't change, instead of my usual wiggly, rickety things.

I'm trying to remember and find confidence in the only opinion of me that matters.

I'm also trying to smile more often.

Go Go Go.

We had our first dinner with a family from the church last night. We get to have a meal with a different family each week. It's a pretty sweet deal. It was awesome though. We just hung out and talked and ate and relaxed. It's refreshing to be invited into people's homes again and again and to be loved and cared for so well. I hope we did a good job of caring for them as well. It's crazy how different each family is (something that I realized last year and am beginning to pick up again). They all have their own way of doing things. Everyone has their own routine, preferences, and way of interacting with each other, but it's encouraging to me to know that even though there are so many different styles of families, there is no "right way." They are all going after the same things, just taking different approaches to get there. Different people feel loved in different ways. I'm encouraged by these people, simply because of the way they live their lives, their commitment to one another, by the way they act, and by the words that they choose to use.

Different note: I've been really frustrated with myself recently. I know I talked a little bit about it before, but I feel like it's grown, at least in my mind, as a problem. I get told that I'm hard to read, or difficult to understand in the sense that I don't wear my emotions or feelings on my sleeve. I hide things, and I'm good at it. I am definitely more introverted. I am definitely not one to spill my life to people I don't know very well. I know these things about myself and I really hate them. I wish that I was more extroverted. I wish that I could trust people more easily. I wish that it didn't take forever for me to build the foundation of a healthy relationship, and it doesn't always. It's easier for me to do with girls than it is guys. And I have grown in this area. But the growth is not as fast as I wish it was. It's a slow process. Painfully slow it seems sometimes. It makes me compare myself to others and wish that I was more like them. It makes me feel broken, or more broken than others. It makes me feel inadequate. It makes me feel stuck. It makes me feel like dead weight.

It's been kind of exhausting for me trying to keep up with everyone around me that doesn't seem to struggle in the same ways I do. I miss the comfort of worn in friendships and family. I miss the comfort and routine of school. I know that it's good for me to be challenged and taken out of that environment, but it's still hard. I feel like there are expectations on me that I can't live up to. I kind of freaked out about it last night. I called Sarah and talked to her about it and then I talked to Erin a little bit about it. I am thankful for them both, for their wisdom, their friendships, their honesty. I am thankful that I talked to them. I wouldn't have always chosen to do that. That's growth, right?

I pray that I would find rest and peace in where God has me right now. That I would take advantage of the people he has positioned in my life for this season, and that I would find contentment in his promises, knowing that he made me this way. I was not created as an extrovert, and that's ok. Yes, there is room for growth, but my personality is not a hinderance. God didn't mess up when he created any of us, and I'm not an exception to that. There is brokenness in me, but there is grace all around me, and there is a larger plan than my own.

Isaiah 55:9-13

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow

come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy

and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills

will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the field

will clap their hands.

Instead of the thorn bush will grown the juniper,

and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.

This will be for the Lord's renown,

for and everlasting sign,

that will endure forever."

Office life.

I've never really had a real job. I've always been a babysitter. Since I can remember that is what I have done. I watch other people's kids. Every summer except for the past two that is what I have done to make money. I have definitely never had an office job, but that's where I've spent a good chunk of time the past few days, in the office. This is our first "normal" week of work. Every morning our schedules start with "office hours." I'm not sure what I thought it would be like, but it's better than I was expecting. It's good to all come together and work alongside each other to begin the day. Especially with the way this internship is set up, time that we get to spend together as a team is precious. Time that we get to spend together learning how we all work, think, and just do life is valuable for us collectively as we learn to better love one another, and also individually as we find our place on this team, develop our strengths and realize areas of weakness, where we need encouragement and help.

Even though we all have separate things going on, separate projects, separate life happenings, separate goals and hopes, it is comforting to be close to my team. To know that even though we are all so different, we all have common ground to stand on, firm, unmovable common ground. And I need them to remind me of that sometimes. I pray that as I continue this summer, I would work to actively engage my teammates. That I wold strive to know their hearts, but also to let them into mine. I'm not the best at that. It's ok to show weakness and vulnerability. I need to constantly be reminding myself of that.

Outside of the office, we had our first Ultimate Frisbee of the summer last night. A good number of people came out to play, and I am also thankful for the others that came out to watch and hang out on the sidelines. It was really, really, really hot. I don't know how they played for two straight hours. We enforced lots of water breaks, but still the heat was killer. It was a good first week though.

More days.

I stayed up last night writing this whole thing out and then went to post it and I lost service or something. It didn't work. I will try again. Saving more often this time around.

Monday morning we left for Boone. We is the five interns plus Todd (pastor) and Michael (worship director). Todd and I both drove. I followed him. Crazy driver. We arrived at this cute cute cute little cabin on the side of a mountain positioned right next to a cute little pond. It really was just so cute. Classic mountain cabin. Erin and I got the cool upstairs loft to ourselves, complete with our own bathroom (one of the many perks of being "the girls").

The ride up there was fine, but I felt off, just not good. Once we got there this annoying feeling continued to grow. It was like I was with all of these awesome people, in this beautiful place and I wanted to be anywhere else. It wasn't anything anyone had done. It was just me feeling pressure, anxiety, it was just me believing the lies Satan tells me.

I felt small. I felt my confidence blow away. I felt cheap, like I wasn't worth enough to be there, like I had nothing to offer. I was having flashbacks to last summer when I started the internship. Not vivid flashbacks to particular times spent, more like feelings that reminded me of feelings I have had in the past. I didn't like it. It felt like after all of the progress I have made over the past year, I had regressed right back to square one.

I really really hated it on the one hand, but on the other hand it was a sweet reminder. It humbled me and reminded me that it is by the grace of God that I have made any progress whatsoever. It reminded me that my identity, my confidence, and my voice all come from above. They are gifts my father has given me, and without him I couldn't be who I want to be, I couldn't know what I know, and I certainly couldn't grow in my understanding of either of those things. So I am glad that my insecurities haunt me. I am glad that Satan temps me with self pity and self contempt, because he won't win. He's already lost, and I get to grow closer to Jesus when he tempts me. I get to know the goodness of my dad more and more. For that I will happily walk through these dumb insecurities. For that I will hold onto the hope of a day when all of this is made right, and I will live today in the knowledge of that day's coming.

Things got better the more time we spent together in Boone. We had plenty of time to spend in conversation with God, and we had plenty of time to spend in community with each other. We talked about our hopes and expectations for the summer. We made goals and shared our fears and anxieties we have going into the internship. We did some hiking, ate some good food, jammed out to some John Mayer in the car rides, and just got to know each other all a little better. It was a sweet time for us to spend as a team.

Returning to Greensboro felt right. It felt good. It felt like home. Being here, driving these roads, spending time in these places that I love is making me more and more excited about the work we get to do this summer. We got back Wednesday afternoon, and all went our separate ways to spend some time with our host families (who I love). The Weatherlys, Erin, and I watched Scotty win American Idol! Woo Woo!

Thursday was our first day in the office. We spent a good bit of the day just setting things up. We made some trips to Office Depot, Target, and a few others. We set up our office mailboxes, and rearranged some furniture so that we will all have space to work. We were all really just settling in and starting to set up some of our meetings for the weeks to come. It's an exciting feeling to actually have an office space. I never worked in the office last year, so that will be a change for me.

It feels good to be here. I feel God moving in our team and in me. I can't wait to see what he has in store for us this summer. I pray that I would be open and willing to go down whatever road her leads me to.

Day 1.

I am thinking about documenting my summer on here in a more regular way than I usually blog about my life. I journal a lot. I write a lot. I like doing it, but the idea of blogging about my life daily or weekly in a public way has always kind of freaked me out. On the other hand, I am working for a Church this summer, and I have a lot of people who are supporting me on this journey financially, prayerfully, emotionally, and other ______lly ways too. The thought of them knowing specifically what I am doing, who I am working with, what I am struggling with, where I am doing well, my fears, my joys, my life, this excites me. It makes me feel a little less alone. And if I can tell them about it through written words, it will sound better, more eloquent, and probably just make a lot more sense. So I'll try it out. See how it goes.

My hope is that by making myself more vulnerable I will, in the long run actually make myself less vulnerable. Explanation: It scares me to write about myself on this blog. I am afraid people will actually read it. I am afraid I will sound dumb. I am afraid people will see how dumb I sound. To me, all that makes me feel vulnerable. My hope is that these things will happen, people will read it, people will see what I have to say (dumb and all), and they will pray for me, talk to me, encourage me, point me in the right direction when I am off, and when I have them backing me in all of those ways I will actually be stronger, not weaker, not vulnerable. Hope that made some sense.

Here it goes.

I am working with Hope Chapel in Greensboro this summer. There are five of us interns. We are all living with different families from the church. Erin and I (the two girls) are living with this awesome family called the Weatherlys. They have three kids, but only one of them hasn't left for college yet. They also have two Golden Retrievers (who I LOVE). We moved in yesterday. We get this cute little room in their rockin basement. Love the closet space and the really nice shower.

This morning we helped set up for the worship service and tore down afterwards. Patrick (intern) and I are doing our concentration this summer in what they are calling "Project Hope." It is an already existing mission within the church to engage the city of Greensboro both spiritually and socially. We had a meeting after church where the team got us up to speed on what they have been doing and planing on doing recently (more later).

All of us interns (Erin, Griffin, Matt, Patrick, and I) got dinner together tonight. They are all awesome. We're all very different from what I can tell, but good different. I can learn a lot from these people. That kind of different.

We are leaving for Boone tomorrow morning for a three day orientation.

I have a Urinary Track Infection. It hurts. It's kind of put me in a funk. Things irritate me more easily when I am not feeling great. I am on medicine and hopefully it should start clearing up soon. I don't want to be a downer. I want to be happy and fun.