Things I miss.

I read a list blog; I love it. Here is a list of my own. Maybe I will make a habit of list making. This was fun to come up with.

Things I miss:

1. The lake

2. Rat Face

3. Narns

4. Hope Chapel

5. Christmas lights

6. Football season

7. Jen

8. Sullivan 12th floor sunsets

9. Being 4 (and cute)

10. Footprints/SBOHEIGHT

11. Park City

12. My Subaru Outback (she looked a lot like this one...)

13. The easy eight

14. Dawson's Creek (and the DC theme song)

15. This girl

...eeeettteerrnaaallll...

"Overcome the finite with the infinite." I read that this week. It was in context, but you don't really have to know the context to appreciate it.

Overcome. Strength, grace, vigor, majesty, victorious, winner.

Finite. Small, weak, tiresome, momentary.

Infinite. Forever, wonder, beauty, mystery.

That is where my brain goes when I hear those words. I love stuff like this. It's just a little, linear command. Overcome the finite with the infinite. Simple enough. You read that and it's short and sweet, gets to the point, and my first reaction is, "Yeah, makes sense. No big deal." But the more I think about it, the more it is a huge deal. It's the answer to so many things. Overcome the finite with the infinite.

I guess my problem is that when I think about things that are finite, I think about stuff like this day, this year, this semester, this cup of coffee I am drinking. These things will all end. They are finite. But you know what else is finite... my grades, the clothes I buy, the roof over my head, the money in my pocket, this skin I wear, this mac that I type on. Those things will all end. A time will come when they will all pass, and only the infinite will remain.

Only the infinite will remain. My very soul, my savior, my father, my one true home. Those are the things that will go on forever. Those are the things that will remain. Those are the things that will overcome the finite. Money is not forever. What people think of me is not forever. What clothes I wear, what boys I like, what house I live in, those things are not forever. They are not forever, but I act like they are. On some level, I think of them as infinite. I think that money will overcome the finite. I think that because I live in a certain place, that will solve all my problems.

I struggle to maintain a true eternal perspective. I always have, and maybe I always will, but I haven't always been aware of it. I don't think I have always recognized it. I pray that as I continue on this journey, Jesus would continue to reveal the depths of my heart for what they really are, and that in that brutal honesty I would turn to the infinite, I would turn to him. Christ our joy and strength.

Overcome the finite with the infinite.

For what is seen is temporal, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18

Bad week.

This week wasn't really too fun for me. Classes were not rewarding. I went to class and found myself counting down the seconds until I got to leave. I don't want to live my life, one day, in a job that I hate and count down the minutes until I can leave. That scares me.

The weather was cold. I couldn't sit outside in the morning. I couldn't even convince myself to get out of bed early enough most mornings to where that would even be possible.

I felt disconnected. I isolated myself this week from true fellowship with friends and family. I made things that shouldn't be that important, ultimately important, neglecting one of the most precious things I have, relationships.

I got a really bad test grade back. Like, really bad.

I've eaten really poorly this week. I feel gross.

I ignored Jesus when he asked me to spend time with him. I did other things instead, other things that I will say aren't more important to me, but that's not what my actions this week have demonstrated. Not only that, but I excluded him from everything else. I didn't let him speak when I was frustrated about school. I ignored his wisdom whenever I could have benefited from it. I didn't even give him a shot.

As I think back to last week and what an encouraging time it was, and then I look to this week and ehhh maybe not so much, the only thing I can think that has changed is me. The endless blessings in my life are still there. Jesus is still calling me each and every day to relationship with him. He still died for me (how is that not enough for my greedy little heart?). People were still praying for me, I just chose not to bask in it. There is still wonder and beauty in cold weather; just because I didn't want to see it or because things didn't happen the way I thought they should doesn't change that fact.

It was me. It wasn't the world, it wasn't my friends, it definitely wasn't my God. It was my old heart, the one that creeps back out if I don't fight it every day. It was my brokenness making an appearance. It was my lack of an eternal perspective. It was me. Outside forces didn't make this week lesser than last, I did. I still have so much to hope in, so much to be joyful about, so much to be thankful for. I'm not saying that I need to be super happy all the time. I'm not saying that I can't have off days or just low seasons, but I can always have hope. I can always have peace.

I need people in my life to remind me of that, to point me back on track when I start to wander, because it will happen time and time again. I pray that I would develop new relationships and strengthen the ones I already have. That I wold have people in my life who can lift me up when all I want to do is lie down (and that I can be that person to others), reminding me always that my trials are so trivial, but my hope is eternal.

Good week.

It has been such a good week. The closest I have felt to peace in a long, long time. The closest I have felt to abounding joy in months. It has been busy, yet restful, demanding, yet rewarding. I know that no one reads this, because I haven't really told anyone about it or given out the URL, but maybe for the 1.5 of you that do end up reading it, you will find encouragement. That is my prayer.

There was nothing hugely special about this week. I had classes, babysat, studied, worked, took Raleigh on a few walks, did some cooking, etc. But, somehow over the course of this week I was able to find deep joy in lots of little things, I was able to find rest and peace in the promises dad has made to me (none of which are new). I was able to have a much more eternal perspective this week than I have in a long time. I want to hold on to that. I never want to let that go.

It started with knowing that others were praying for me. I am beginning the process of support raising for an internship I am doing this summer (with the same church I worked with last summer), and I got to meet my team last weekend. We had a mini orientation to get a bunch of information about the summer. I already love them all. We started an email chain to keep each other updated on fund raising, prayer requests, and just life. I am committed to lifting each of my future team members up in prayer, and I believe that each of them are just as committed. I have also been gathering addresses and to send out a letter soon. It has been such a huge blessing to talk to people who are so excited to support me and pray for me! Like, whoa. I don't deserve this kind of love. I have felt totally wrapped up by everyones support as they continually point me back to my savior. I have some pretty great people in my life. I am so thankful for each and every one of them.

It continued with my classes. I am a social work major. I have been for a few semesters. It's tough stuff. So many sad stories, so many heartbreaking injustices, and just so much brokenness in our country and across the world. As I have learned more and more about the way our country works in regards to social welfare and social work in general, I have grown more and more excited about my major. Not because our system is perfect by any means (it's not at all), but because it gets to be my job to bring people hope, to empower them, and to give them the tools they need to succeed. It gets to be my job to love people, to meet them where they are and to love them if for no other reason, than because they bear the image of God (they don't teach us that part in class...). There are things I'm not excited about: dealing with lack of funding, myself not getting paid well, not being taken seriously by society and even some people close to me, all of my insecurities and baggage that I bring to the table, working with clients that just don't want to work with me, and a million other things, but at the end of the day I get to make it my job to help people, and I don't know any other way to do that than by loving people well. There are days that I think to myself, "There is no way I am going to be able to handle this stuff in the real world." Then I get my act together and remember that I will never have to. At least not by myself. I get to go into communities (with Jesus) and be his hands, his feet, and hopefully his mouth. I realize that anyone can do this, in just about any major or job field, but it's been fun for me, on my journey to sit in class and see ways that I can help spread the kingdom on this earth, ways that I can bring hope to the hopeless.

It grew when the weather started getting nice. This sounds so shallow, but I have felt God wooing me with this beautiful weather. I love the cold and all things winter, but I love the transition back into warm-ness. It is SO MUCH EASIER for me to get up in the mornings when it is not -2 outside. I love being able to sit outside on the porch in the morning and drink coffee. I love feeling the sunshine on my face as I walk to class. It's like as the earth renews itself, so does my spirit. I feel revitalized, and captivated by God's creation. So lame, I know, but so true. I love it.

It, this goodness I have rambled on about, has manifested itself in a bunch of other ways as well. I could go on and on about how precious this time has been to me, and I kind of have. This week I am thankful. This week I am humbled. This week I am loved. This week I am in awe of my father's goodness. I pray that I would continue to go hard after those things, even when they are not as easy to find, because I bet they're always there, waiting for me. I am so lucky. I am so blessed. I am so undeserving. I love that no matter what, I can always lean on those truths.

Thanks for the great week, full of love and peace. On to the next.

Non désolé.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

I did, am doing, and will continue to do so much that hurts God and people. I don't want to. It's just part of being human. I fail and come up short again and again. In a way it's good that I keep messing up; it reminds me that I am not God. I am not perfect (just in case I forgot.. not likely). In another way it's bad, because my shortcomings hurt others. All of the people I love, and myself.

I woke up this morning at 8:45 for a 9:10 class that I have with a good friend. It was cold and I didn't want to get out of bed. My stomach was hurting. It was raining on the way to class, and as soon as I sat down I spilled coffee on all of the papers I had just been given. When I attempted to drink the remaining coffee that I had not spilled, it burned my mouth. So I proceeded to heavily sigh, not talk to my friend, and not take any notes for the rest of class (I really showed them..). I know that I need forgiveness. I needed it this morning and I need it every morning.

I think this idea of not being able to consistently do things right a lot of times is used as an excuse. It's a hopeless situation, so why even try? I will admit, I've felt this way on occasion. I want so badly to do things right and yet I knowingly walk into sin time after time. It can seem hopeless, and even more so when you feel the consequences of another's sin. When someone lets you down or hurts you.

Forgive each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Each time I read this, it just rocks me. I think about all of the things Jesus has forgiven me for. I think about all of the things he's forgiven me for that I never even apologized for. I think about all of the things I hold on to. I think about the people in my life that are difficult to forgive, and I think about how much I need people to apologize before I grant them what Jesus offers us all so freely and abundantly each and every day.

It's crazy to me. We're not talking about simple name calling or lying. Don't get me wrong we're forgiven for that too, but it's the big stuff that kills me. It's the father who is unfaithful to his wife, and tears apart his family. It's the mother who is so critical of her daughter's appearance that it drives her to an eating disorder. It's the drunk driver that hits and kills a mother and father on their way home to their children. Jesus died for them. He died to forgive them, and he died to forgive me, and he didn't hold out on us because we refused to say that we were wrong. He didn't hold out on us for fear that we would never say we were sorry.

There are people in our lives that can really hurt us. It's usually our parents, or other family members, maybe a good friend, or a significant other. It's the ones that you trust, or want badly to trust. It's the ones that you give little pieces of yourself to, never thinking that they would ever use them against you. But we all come up short. We are all incapable of continual goodness. We've all hurt someone we love, and we've all been hurt by a loved one. Why is it such a huge shock every time? And why is forgiveness always so hard?

Maybe forgiveness is supposed to be hard. Maybe by learning to forgive instead of holding grudges, we get a tiny little glimpse into how Jesus felt when he died all those years ago on the cross. Maybe it makes us more like him, not just because forgiveness is obviously something he's all about, but also because he died for the men that sentenced him to death. And maybe when we forgive people that are hard to forgive, even hard to love, we can understand the pain and frustration our savior must have felt. Maybe we can begin to understand obedience and faith being truly lived out, and maybe, just maybe we can start to reflect those things within ourselves.

finals & all that entails.

It feels like for the last week and a half my entire life has consisted of little more than paper after paper, long hours at a million different coffee shops, exams, way too much coffee, not enough real food, not enough real studying, and sleep. I'm not one of those people that can neglect sleep in the name of being a good student; I certainly don't do it during the semester, and exam time is no different. If it comes down to sleeping or studying, nine times out of ten I will chose sleep. That's just the way it is. Part of it is that I'm just not a great studier. I can write papers all day long, but just studying feels so empty to me. I know it serves a purpose, but I always just feel very pointless when I study, like nothing is actually produced by all of the time and work I put into it. I know that's not entirely true; it's probably only my mind rationalizing poor study habits.

I think I made a mistake this exam season. I've actually worked harder than any other exam time of my college career, never mind that a lot of the work I have been doing has been to make up for slacking off earlier this semester. But I have been working hard nonetheless. My mistake was not the amount of time I worked or even the inner slacker that lives within me, but the shift in my priorities that comes with this time of year. There are periods where I am able to pretty well balance my life: the spiritual, the social, school, work, family, sleep, etc, and there are periods where it all goes to hell and sleep becomes my top priority or friends become what I invest all of my time into.

The funny thing is that when things get crazy the spiritual never seems to just float to my top priority. If I want to make time for God first, I have to work at it. If I want the spiritual to trickle down from the top into every other area of my life, that is not something that just happens on its own; if I am not actively striving to make this the case, it simply will not occur. I cannot imagine a more potent argument for my own wickedness, my own brokenness. If I was truly good, than of course my tendency would be to gravitate towards relationship with my maker. My tendency seems to be the total opposite. It's not like I am turning my back on God or even saying that I don't need to spend time with him. I just get lazy in our relationship, because there seem to be so many other things to fill my time with, so many pressing things that need to get done now. So my attitude towards all things spiritual turns to apathy. It's still important to me, but I don't care enough to change anything; I don't care enough to rearrange my priorities. How quickly apathy turns to sin.

Exam time has made this more evident to me. I see a stark difference in the way I have been budgeting my time, and the way I should have been using my time. Of course, during this crazy time school needs to be up there, studying is a must in college, especially in finals week. I am not saying that I have studied too much, in fact I will say that I have not studied enough, however I have not made time to spend with Dad. On my good days Jesus is a part of everything I do. On my bad days when I leave him out or make him watch from the sidelines, not only does our relationship suffer, but every relationship I have suffers. Like I already mentioned, on my own my wickedness takes over, it rules my life, it dictates what I do, what I say, how I treat others, and everything else. I want God to be my number one always. When that is easy, and when it's more challenging, because it changes everything. I am so much more happy when I have that time, so much kinder, more understanding, I give better advice, I even think studying would have been better had I let Jesus be a part of it.

I am happy that I have my last exam today. I cannot wait for it to be over. I only hope that I remember this feeling come next exam time, and all the other stressful times I am sure will pop up between now and then. All I have to do is let him in.

Ruth.

Where did first semester go? As we draw closer and closer to Christmas I am getting more and more excited about a break from classes, papers, and tests. I am getting more and more excited about Christmas parties and sweet, sweet time with loved ones. I am stoked that the cold weather seems to finally be upon us. I love the cold. I love jackets and hot coffee and scarves, I love scarves. It seems like this Winter season snuck up on us. Is first semester really over?

I am excited about what is to come, but I am equally disturbed at the amount of time I seem to have wasted. I am pumped to get a break, but what exactly have I done to deserve it? What have I done this first semester of my Junior year of College to merit Christmas vacation? I feel like, this semester in particular, I have wasted a lot of time. I have spent a lot of valuable time feeling sorry for myself, making excuses, and just not doing the things I say I want to do. I want to love people well. I want to be a worthwhile part of N.C. State. I want to stop being so entirely sarcastic and just be vulnerable sometimes. I want to love my city, Raleigh, well. I want to be present every day. I want to actively engaged myself in my community. I want to know people different from myself. I want to take better care of myself. I really want to cook more often.

Actions speak louder than words. I believe this. I believe this, because it sucks when someone tells you one thing and does something else. I don't want to be one of those people. I am one of those people.

A lot of my time with Dad recently has been spent in the book of Ruth. I never really thought much of the story of Ruth. It was always just a sad story of a bunch of women whose husbands died. Turns out that's not really the point. The church I worked with this Summer just finished a series on Ruth. I caught the first one live and have listened to the rest online. The sermons are outstanding. Go. http://www.hopechapelgreensboro.org/

But more than that, God is outstanding. Ok, that sounds real lame, but you get the point. I have been loving Ruth, because it's so confusing. It's so hard to pick out applications to real life, because a lot of it seems to deal with really tough issues where you can't be sure who is right and who is wrong in the situation. There is some obvious stuff, but there is so much that I don't understand! So, so much. And the reason I like the confusion is two fold. One, I always need to be reminded that I am not that smart. Just a pride thing. It's good that I can't understand this easily or in some aspects at all, because it keeps me humble, or rather humbles me at least a little. I like to think I'm pretty smart. It's hard to keep that persona when I can't even really explain what's going on in a four chapter book. The second reason I like the confusion is that it reminds me of real life. Real life is confusing. Things happen in real life where I don't know what's right and what's wrong. Black and white does not exist in Ruth or in life. It's so much more complicated than just, "don't lie," or "be modest." We live in the in-betweens. Ruth is about real life. Ruth is about the in-betweens.

Maybe I haven't acted the way that I say I want to because I am afraid of messing something up or letting someone down. Maybe I don't want to fail at the only things I've ever really been passionate about. Maybe that's why I have wasted so much of my time. I believe Jesus has given me Ruth in this season as a comfort and as a challenge. I see the choices that were made in this short little book. Bold, tough, controversial decisions. Ruth, Boaz, and Naomi all made several really difficult choices. But they did it. They did what they thought was right and they acted. They didn't just speak, they acted.

He's got my back. He's always with me. He loves me unconditionally. I have his approval and I can never lose it. So why not just go for it? I pray that I would be able to go hard after the truth not just with what I say, but with what I do, with the way that I act. I'm bound to fail every now and then regardless of what path I choose, but that doesn't make it any less worth it. I pray that I might become a woman rooted in action and in truth.