It feels like for the last week and a half my entire life has consisted of little more than paper after paper, long hours at a million different coffee shops, exams, way too much coffee, not enough real food, not enough real studying, and sleep. I'm not one of those people that can neglect sleep in the name of being a good student; I certainly don't do it during the semester, and exam time is no different. If it comes down to sleeping or studying, nine times out of ten I will chose sleep. That's just the way it is. Part of it is that I'm just not a great studier. I can write papers all day long, but just studying feels so empty to me. I know it serves a purpose, but I always just feel very pointless when I study, like nothing is actually produced by all of the time and work I put into it. I know that's not entirely true; it's probably only my mind rationalizing poor study habits.
I think I made a mistake this exam season. I've actually worked harder than any other exam time of my college career, never mind that a lot of the work I have been doing has been to make up for slacking off earlier this semester. But I have been working hard nonetheless. My mistake was not the amount of time I worked or even the inner slacker that lives within me, but the shift in my priorities that comes with this time of year. There are periods where I am able to pretty well balance my life: the spiritual, the social, school, work, family, sleep, etc, and there are periods where it all goes to hell and sleep becomes my top priority or friends become what I invest all of my time into.
The funny thing is that when things get crazy the spiritual never seems to just float to my top priority. If I want to make time for God first, I have to work at it. If I want the spiritual to trickle down from the top into every other area of my life, that is not something that just happens on its own; if I am not actively striving to make this the case, it simply will not occur. I cannot imagine a more potent argument for my own wickedness, my own brokenness. If I was truly good, than of course my tendency would be to gravitate towards relationship with my maker. My tendency seems to be the total opposite. It's not like I am turning my back on God or even saying that I don't need to spend time with him. I just get lazy in our relationship, because there seem to be so many other things to fill my time with, so many pressing things that need to get done now. So my attitude towards all things spiritual turns to apathy. It's still important to me, but I don't care enough to change anything; I don't care enough to rearrange my priorities. How quickly apathy turns to sin.
Exam time has made this more evident to me. I see a stark difference in the way I have been budgeting my time, and the way I should have been using my time. Of course, during this crazy time school needs to be up there, studying is a must in college, especially in finals week. I am not saying that I have studied too much, in fact I will say that I have not studied enough, however I have not made time to spend with Dad. On my good days Jesus is a part of everything I do. On my bad days when I leave him out or make him watch from the sidelines, not only does our relationship suffer, but every relationship I have suffers. Like I already mentioned, on my own my wickedness takes over, it rules my life, it dictates what I do, what I say, how I treat others, and everything else. I want God to be my number one always. When that is easy, and when it's more challenging, because it changes everything. I am so much more happy when I have that time, so much kinder, more understanding, I give better advice, I even think studying would have been better had I let Jesus be a part of it.
I am happy that I have my last exam today. I cannot wait for it to be over. I only hope that I remember this feeling come next exam time, and all the other stressful times I am sure will pop up between now and then. All I have to do is let him in.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Ruth.
Where did first semester go? As we draw closer and closer to Christmas I am getting more and more excited about a break from classes, papers, and tests. I am getting more and more excited about Christmas parties and sweet, sweet time with loved ones. I am stoked that the cold weather seems to finally be upon us. I love the cold. I love jackets and hot coffee and scarves, I love scarves. It seems like this Winter season snuck up on us. Is first semester really over?
I am excited about what is to come, but I am equally disturbed at the amount of time I seem to have wasted. I am pumped to get a break, but what exactly have I done to deserve it? What have I done this first semester of my Junior year of College to merit Christmas vacation? I feel like, this semester in particular, I have wasted a lot of time. I have spent a lot of valuable time feeling sorry for myself, making excuses, and just not doing the things I say I want to do. I want to love people well. I want to be a worthwhile part of N.C. State. I want to stop being so entirely sarcastic and just be vulnerable sometimes. I want to love my city, Raleigh, well. I want to be present every day. I want to actively engaged myself in my community. I want to know people different from myself. I want to take better care of myself. I really want to cook more often.
Actions speak louder than words. I believe this. I believe this, because it sucks when someone tells you one thing and does something else. I don't want to be one of those people. I am one of those people.
A lot of my time with Dad recently has been spent in the book of Ruth. I never really thought much of the story of Ruth. It was always just a sad story of a bunch of women whose husbands died. Turns out that's not really the point. The church I worked with this Summer just finished a series on Ruth. I caught the first one live and have listened to the rest online. The sermons are outstanding. Go. http://www.hopechapelgreensboro.org/
But more than that, God is outstanding. Ok, that sounds real lame, but you get the point. I have been loving Ruth, because it's so confusing. It's so hard to pick out applications to real life, because a lot of it seems to deal with really tough issues where you can't be sure who is right and who is wrong in the situation. There is some obvious stuff, but there is so much that I don't understand! So, so much. And the reason I like the confusion is two fold. One, I always need to be reminded that I am not that smart. Just a pride thing. It's good that I can't understand this easily or in some aspects at all, because it keeps me humble, or rather humbles me at least a little. I like to think I'm pretty smart. It's hard to keep that persona when I can't even really explain what's going on in a four chapter book. The second reason I like the confusion is that it reminds me of real life. Real life is confusing. Things happen in real life where I don't know what's right and what's wrong. Black and white does not exist in Ruth or in life. It's so much more complicated than just, "don't lie," or "be modest." We live in the in-betweens. Ruth is about real life. Ruth is about the in-betweens.
Maybe I haven't acted the way that I say I want to because I am afraid of messing something up or letting someone down. Maybe I don't want to fail at the only things I've ever really been passionate about. Maybe that's why I have wasted so much of my time. I believe Jesus has given me Ruth in this season as a comfort and as a challenge. I see the choices that were made in this short little book. Bold, tough, controversial decisions. Ruth, Boaz, and Naomi all made several really difficult choices. But they did it. They did what they thought was right and they acted. They didn't just speak, they acted.
He's got my back. He's always with me. He loves me unconditionally. I have his approval and I can never lose it. So why not just go for it? I pray that I would be able to go hard after the truth not just with what I say, but with what I do, with the way that I act. I'm bound to fail every now and then regardless of what path I choose, but that doesn't make it any less worth it. I pray that I might become a woman rooted in action and in truth.
I am excited about what is to come, but I am equally disturbed at the amount of time I seem to have wasted. I am pumped to get a break, but what exactly have I done to deserve it? What have I done this first semester of my Junior year of College to merit Christmas vacation? I feel like, this semester in particular, I have wasted a lot of time. I have spent a lot of valuable time feeling sorry for myself, making excuses, and just not doing the things I say I want to do. I want to love people well. I want to be a worthwhile part of N.C. State. I want to stop being so entirely sarcastic and just be vulnerable sometimes. I want to love my city, Raleigh, well. I want to be present every day. I want to actively engaged myself in my community. I want to know people different from myself. I want to take better care of myself. I really want to cook more often.
Actions speak louder than words. I believe this. I believe this, because it sucks when someone tells you one thing and does something else. I don't want to be one of those people. I am one of those people.
A lot of my time with Dad recently has been spent in the book of Ruth. I never really thought much of the story of Ruth. It was always just a sad story of a bunch of women whose husbands died. Turns out that's not really the point. The church I worked with this Summer just finished a series on Ruth. I caught the first one live and have listened to the rest online. The sermons are outstanding. Go. http://www.hopechapelgreensboro.org/
But more than that, God is outstanding. Ok, that sounds real lame, but you get the point. I have been loving Ruth, because it's so confusing. It's so hard to pick out applications to real life, because a lot of it seems to deal with really tough issues where you can't be sure who is right and who is wrong in the situation. There is some obvious stuff, but there is so much that I don't understand! So, so much. And the reason I like the confusion is two fold. One, I always need to be reminded that I am not that smart. Just a pride thing. It's good that I can't understand this easily or in some aspects at all, because it keeps me humble, or rather humbles me at least a little. I like to think I'm pretty smart. It's hard to keep that persona when I can't even really explain what's going on in a four chapter book. The second reason I like the confusion is that it reminds me of real life. Real life is confusing. Things happen in real life where I don't know what's right and what's wrong. Black and white does not exist in Ruth or in life. It's so much more complicated than just, "don't lie," or "be modest." We live in the in-betweens. Ruth is about real life. Ruth is about the in-betweens.
Maybe I haven't acted the way that I say I want to because I am afraid of messing something up or letting someone down. Maybe I don't want to fail at the only things I've ever really been passionate about. Maybe that's why I have wasted so much of my time. I believe Jesus has given me Ruth in this season as a comfort and as a challenge. I see the choices that were made in this short little book. Bold, tough, controversial decisions. Ruth, Boaz, and Naomi all made several really difficult choices. But they did it. They did what they thought was right and they acted. They didn't just speak, they acted.
He's got my back. He's always with me. He loves me unconditionally. I have his approval and I can never lose it. So why not just go for it? I pray that I would be able to go hard after the truth not just with what I say, but with what I do, with the way that I act. I'm bound to fail every now and then regardless of what path I choose, but that doesn't make it any less worth it. I pray that I might become a woman rooted in action and in truth.
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