Ruth.

Where did first semester go? As we draw closer and closer to Christmas I am getting more and more excited about a break from classes, papers, and tests. I am getting more and more excited about Christmas parties and sweet, sweet time with loved ones. I am stoked that the cold weather seems to finally be upon us. I love the cold. I love jackets and hot coffee and scarves, I love scarves. It seems like this Winter season snuck up on us. Is first semester really over?

I am excited about what is to come, but I am equally disturbed at the amount of time I seem to have wasted. I am pumped to get a break, but what exactly have I done to deserve it? What have I done this first semester of my Junior year of College to merit Christmas vacation? I feel like, this semester in particular, I have wasted a lot of time. I have spent a lot of valuable time feeling sorry for myself, making excuses, and just not doing the things I say I want to do. I want to love people well. I want to be a worthwhile part of N.C. State. I want to stop being so entirely sarcastic and just be vulnerable sometimes. I want to love my city, Raleigh, well. I want to be present every day. I want to actively engaged myself in my community. I want to know people different from myself. I want to take better care of myself. I really want to cook more often.

Actions speak louder than words. I believe this. I believe this, because it sucks when someone tells you one thing and does something else. I don't want to be one of those people. I am one of those people.

A lot of my time with Dad recently has been spent in the book of Ruth. I never really thought much of the story of Ruth. It was always just a sad story of a bunch of women whose husbands died. Turns out that's not really the point. The church I worked with this Summer just finished a series on Ruth. I caught the first one live and have listened to the rest online. The sermons are outstanding. Go. http://www.hopechapelgreensboro.org/

But more than that, God is outstanding. Ok, that sounds real lame, but you get the point. I have been loving Ruth, because it's so confusing. It's so hard to pick out applications to real life, because a lot of it seems to deal with really tough issues where you can't be sure who is right and who is wrong in the situation. There is some obvious stuff, but there is so much that I don't understand! So, so much. And the reason I like the confusion is two fold. One, I always need to be reminded that I am not that smart. Just a pride thing. It's good that I can't understand this easily or in some aspects at all, because it keeps me humble, or rather humbles me at least a little. I like to think I'm pretty smart. It's hard to keep that persona when I can't even really explain what's going on in a four chapter book. The second reason I like the confusion is that it reminds me of real life. Real life is confusing. Things happen in real life where I don't know what's right and what's wrong. Black and white does not exist in Ruth or in life. It's so much more complicated than just, "don't lie," or "be modest." We live in the in-betweens. Ruth is about real life. Ruth is about the in-betweens.

Maybe I haven't acted the way that I say I want to because I am afraid of messing something up or letting someone down. Maybe I don't want to fail at the only things I've ever really been passionate about. Maybe that's why I have wasted so much of my time. I believe Jesus has given me Ruth in this season as a comfort and as a challenge. I see the choices that were made in this short little book. Bold, tough, controversial decisions. Ruth, Boaz, and Naomi all made several really difficult choices. But they did it. They did what they thought was right and they acted. They didn't just speak, they acted.

He's got my back. He's always with me. He loves me unconditionally. I have his approval and I can never lose it. So why not just go for it? I pray that I would be able to go hard after the truth not just with what I say, but with what I do, with the way that I act. I'm bound to fail every now and then regardless of what path I choose, but that doesn't make it any less worth it. I pray that I might become a woman rooted in action and in truth.