Catch up.

It's been a while since I've written. Several weeks. If anyone is reading, I am sorry for slacking off. In all honesty, I've missed writing. I like doing this. It helps me process things from day to day. It forces me to look at the things I have been a part of since the last time I wrote, and really decide how I felt about it, what I liked, what I didn't like, what was hard, what was easy. It's a good exercise, I think.

I wrote last about getting medicine from the doctor. I finished the second round of antibiotics, and things seemed to be feeling good, but my test results came back and it was not an infection like they thought it was. I'm feeling ok and just hoping that it doesn't creep back again.

Three Tuesdays ago we got to have dinner with the Donovans. Ashley, Danny and little baby Canaan. Ashley was my small group leader in high school. I loved getting to go over there and share with my intern family these people that have meant so much to me over the years. It was a comfortable, sweet time for me. We ate dinner and just hung out for a while. I always love time spent with Ash so of course this was no different.

After the Donovans we headed to the Grieves the following night for a fun, engaging night of hamburgers, games, and good conversation. I've known the Grieves for a while and they always manage to make me feel extremely welcome and wanted and just good. It was a good night for all of us I think. We sat outside and talked for a long time.

Have I talked about the youth camping trip we went on yet? I don't think I have. And I think it occurred on the Thursday after dinner with the Grieves. I may be wrong about that though. Regardless, we took about 15 of the youth camping a few weeks ago. I am not in charge of planning youth stuff (that's all Erin and Matt), so really I just kind of showed up and partook in all the fun. We got to swim in the creek, cook over the fire, create a huge bonfire, learn some dances, sing some songs, and enjoy each other. We have some pretty incredible kids in our church. They are all pretty great, actually. It's crazy how God puts us together, how there can be so many different personalities, so many different ages and places in life, but we all bring something different to the table, we all contribute to the youth group of Hope Chapel in a unique and important way. I am thankful for the time that I have gotten to spend with the youth. I am amazed at the amount they have taught me about community and love. These kids are legit.

I am finding that the things I love about being here are totally different than last year, and the things I'm struggling to have a good attitude about are different. I love my team. I love the other interns. I love working with them and hanging out with them and knowing them. I love that we're all so different, because diversity is good, because it means I'm leaning stuff about them and about myself. I've felt more of that team-ness than last year. I've felt loved and valued and cared for in a way that didn't exist before. I've felt known and understood and I like it. I like it more than I ever thought I would.

We've had a few other dinners since the last time I wrote (I will try not to get this far behind again). We ate with the Crawfords and the Norths one week. The Crawfords house always feels like a big party. They are just really good about opening their home to people and making them feel welcome. It was a fun night. More delicious food, of course, and lots of good questions asked. Kenny is a vet and allowed the other four interns to play with his two snakes at the end of the night. I did not partake. The Norths was a fun night for me. I lived with them last summer, so it was fun and strange to be back for dinner. We ate out on their awesome screened in back porch that I love and they introduced us to the game, "scum," after dinner. It was an intense card game. Luckily, my noncompetitive nature keeps me sane when I play games like this one. I started out doing really well and by the end of the game I had nothing.

The youth event two weeks ago was board games and dessert. We had it at the Weatherlys (where I am living). Erin and Matt baked a ton of yummy treats and all the kids brought their favorite board games. I lost in blokus about 10 times. But it was a fun night. I think the kids enjoyed it. By the end of the night, we had a huge crowd around the tv watching people play just dance on the wi (hilarious game).

This past week we got to eat with the Henrys and with Todd. The Henrys are awesome. They talked to us for a long time about the mission of Hope Chapel and Project Hope and what that would look like to be played out more so in the future. It was encouraging and kind of a little bit of a reality check as we get closer and closer to OUR GSO. In a time when I was getting really caught up in the details of planning and the tediousness of everything, they reminded me why I am here and what we are trying to accomplish. It was a sweet reminder, plus we got to experience the Michael Jackson experience on the wi. So fun. Dinner at Todds was fun too. It felt casual, like we were just hanging out. I didn't feel like anything was really expected of me. I felt free to be there and just be honest about how I was feeling. I wasn't trying to impress anyone or act a certain way. It just felt like there were less expectations on me than other dinner nights. We talked and played a board game involving estimating. It was fun. I was tired, but it was fun and I was thankful for the casual atmosphere.

That brings us to this thursday night, when we had a cookout and water games night organized by the lovely youth pastors, Erin and Matt. It was a fun night. Hamburgers and water guns. What more could a kid want? We had a sweet time all together before all the kids left. We all were sitting together and answering questions that Matt had come up with beforehand. It was sweet. They looked just like a real life youth group. So encouraging.

The past three weeks, more than anything, have felt busy. When I have had time to do stuff like update the blog, I have chosen to sleep instead. That is a big prayer request as we reach the final stretch of the internship. Pray for perseverance, for strength and energy to do things and to do them well. Also for me to make time to be still, even when that's hard to do that I would find a way to make that a priority, because I need it in order to do my work well. We have one more normal week and then OUR GSO. How did this all happen so quickly? I'm sad that it's ending. I'm sad that I have to leave soon.

I am fighting to stay open, open like a lake.

Got more medicine from the doctor. Seems to be clearing up. I'll know for sure what it was when my test results come back sometime in the next few days.

Peace Haven is a really cool place. We got to work in the garden, and on a few other projects around the farm. A bunch of us got to go see where the chickens, ducks, and sheep live. We collected the eggs, and fed the sheep. It was a good morning. It was fun, but we also got things done. We had a potluck lunch before we all went home to crash for the afternoon.

Interns minus Matt watched Inglourious Basterds Saturday night. The boys all love it. Griffin says that it is his favorite movie. They quote it all the time. So Erin and I finally caved and agreed to watch it. Erin loved it too. I think I'm the only one that didn't love it. I'm glad I saw it, but I probably won't ever watch it again, and I probably won't ever quote it. I guess I get why people like that kind of stuff, but it's just not really my style. There were some funny parts, but overall, just not my thing.

Sunday we didn't have to arrive until 9:15! Woo! Since school is out for the summer now, we get to keep the crates inside and don't have to bring them in the trailer every week. It shaves a little bit of time off of our weekly Sunday morning routine. This week Todd preached about peace. I liked it a lot. I took notes. I listen better when I do that. I joined the Lindley Park Community Group for music in the park at Friendly Sunday night. It was fun. There were just bands playing and we got to hang out, listen, eat, and get coldstone afterwards.

Today we met to talk through more planning stuff for OUR GSO. I'm not as overwhelmed. Things are starting to come together. Days are being pieced together. We're getting to the planning of the details and thinking about promotion and tshirts and fun stuff like that. It's not as scary as it was a few weeks ago, because it doesn't seem as big. We are slowly but surely making progress.

I listened to this song today. I liked it a lot. It spoke to a lot of things that I have been struggling with lately. I pray that I would be open like a lake.

so much hurt and preservation

like a tendril round my soul

so much painful information

no clear way on how to hold it

when everything in me is tightening

curling in around this ache

I will lay my heart wide open

like the surface of a lake

wide open like a lake

standing at this waters edge

looking in at God's own heart

I've no idea where to begin

to swallow up the way things are

everything in me is drawing in

closing in around this pain

I will lay my heart wide open

like the surface of a lake

wide open like a lake

bring the wind and bring the thunder

bring the rain till I am tired

when it's over bring me stillness

let my face reflect the sky

and all the grace and all the wonder

of a peace that I can't fake

wide open like a lake

everything in me is tightening

curling in around this ache

I am fighting to stay open

I am fighting to stay open

open open oh wide open

open like a lake

Quick week.

I am going to the doctor later this afternoon.

Tuesday we had the honor of getting to have dinner with the Phillips. It was really awesome and encouraging to get to hear part of their story. I am amazed each time we get to interact with a different family of how different each family actually is. I love hearing people's stories. I love hearing about how they got to where they are now, because if they don't tell me about it, then I just assume things and when I assume things I am probably wrong, and then I miss out on the truth. I am thankful for Tim and Kate's willingness to be honest and open with us. They even let us tour every nook and cranny of their house, including (but not limited to) their attic. Literally, every single meal we have eaten has been amazing too. We had this great salad and baked spaghetti with yummmy bread.

Wednesday we got to have chicken pot pie with the York family. Also, delicious! I am in Community Group with the Yorks, but it was fun to get to hang out with them and see them from a slightly different perspective. I got to hear some of their story that I did not know. Their son, Calvin, sang us one of the most recent songs he has written, and Silas read us a few of his poems. I love their creativity and eagerness to share. We sat on the back patio and ate ice cream cake for a while after dinner. It was nice. It felt refreshing, encouraging, and comfortable.

I'm already realizing how much I am going to miss all of these people when I have to leave this place.

Yesterday, before we had make-your-own-pizza-night with the youth, Patrick and I met with Michael to talk through the last four chapters of Generous Justice. It was so much stuff, and really really overwhelming in a lot of ways, but also exciting. It is good, good stuff. You all should read it. I am exciting about getting started on the curriculum we are writing. We will start that this coming week. There definitely is not a lack of material. I think what will be most challenging is deciding what we want to focus on, and what we want to leave out. There is so much good stuff in there.

Pizza night was awesome. I would say that it was a huge success. It was fun. Nearly 20 kids came out. We had 18 youth, I think. Seriously, I didn't even know that there were that many kids in our church. So that's crazy awesome. We made pizza, cooked the pizza (which took a little longer than we would have hoped), and played outside (swing, basketball, bean toss...). I had a lot of fun, and I think the kids did too.

This week has been great. It's been much more organic in regards to our team dynamic. It's been busy, but it's gone by super fast. I do need to be more intentional about taking time to slow down, because it's not going to happen on its own.

My Community Group is going to work at Peace Haven Farm tomorrow morning. I'm really excited to get to go out there and see what it's like. We are planning on partnering with them one day during OUR GSO, and I get to talk to them tomorrow about that too. They are a working farm, or on their way to being a working farm. It is going to be a place where people with disabilities can come, live, and contribute to the farm. They haven't launched yet, but are working hard to get there. It really is a beautiful mission that they have.

Today felt good.

I need to be better about waking up earlier. That is a prayer request. I want to have time in the morning to start the day of being still, but the past few days I have woken up with five frantic minutes to get ready and race out the door. We don't even have to be anywhere super early most days, so I really have no excuse.

My back has started hurting again, and I had to pee like a million times today sooooo I am going to call the doctor tomorrow and try to get an appointment so hopefully I can take care of whatever this is. I took a round of antibiotics a few weeks ago and it seemed to be on the way to feeling normal again, but I feel it coming back. My thing is that it doesn't really hurt that bad. I feel like in order for me to do something about it I need to be in real pain, which is so dumb. Something is not right in my body, and I need to take care of it.

I want to thank all of you who have emailed me, texted me, called me, even those of you that have just prayed for me. I feel your prayers. I kind of don't really like it when people say that sometimes, because I'm not always sure what it means, but I will explain what I mean by it. I have felt very loved and cared for. I feel you guys loving me and supporting me. I feel lifted up, and cherished. I feel God reminding me that I am here as part of his plan, that I have things to offer. I feel affirmed. Thank you for your encouragement, and for every way shape and form it has appeared.

I rolled into the office around 11 today. We are supposed to get Monday mornings off as kind of a break after the marathon that is Sunday. Matt was just finishing reading the Book of Common Prayer for the day. He's been reading it out loud each day to us. I like it. I got a lot done in the office today. I was only there for about an hour and a half, but I got caught up on emailing, organized some filing stuff, nailed down a few scheduling things for this week, and did some reading. It was great.

We had a meeting with all of us interns plus Michael to talk about OUR GSO after lunch. Things are finally starting to come together. It's getting to the point where we know enough that it's real and exciting and stuff is starting to mold and form into what the week will look like, but at the same time there is still a ton to do, plan, organize and just a lot to do in general that I am overwhelmed. So overall, excited and overwhelmed, maybe more of an excited overwhelmed. I am glad that we all get to work together. We are united on this project. No one is left to do anything alone. There is comfort there. It makes it more doable. July 18th-24th. Mark your calendars. It's going to be awesome.

Monday night = ultimate frisbee. Halfway through the night we got kicked off of the field we were playing on by UNCG campus police. Whoops. We packed up and moved over to a different field, more like a lawn in front of some building on campus. Slightly annoying that we can't really seem to get permission to use any of the fields on campus, but it turned out fine. Thankfully, it wasn't so hot this evening, and there seemed to be more shade on the field we moved to. I would say it was a successful night.

Today felt good. I felt like I got a lot done. I felt like I had some good conversations. I felt like I had a good balance of everything. I think it's good to have these days, especially after having so many intense ones in a row. It feels good to know that things don't have to be so emotionally overwhelming everyday. I don't know, maybe it's me retreating a little bit, but I don't really feel like that's the case. I think that today all of the stuff I have been carrying around with me was still there, it was still real, but it didn't have to be so heavy today. I could have it be there, and not have it be quite so overbearing or overwhelming. I wasn't hiding from it or trying to hide it from everyone around me, and I think that stripped it of some of it's power. Maybe not. All I know is that today felt good, and I am thankful for that.

You have calmed greater waters, and higher mountains have come down.

Last Wednesday we got to have dinner with the Van Patters. Michael is the worship director and Hannah is his wife. They have a daughter, Piper. She is one of the cutest little babies out there. We were treated to homemade pizza (yuuum). After dinner we played games and hung out. It really is a sweet deal we have with all of these free meals and awesome hangout time we get to have with all of these great people. I am thankful for Tuesday and Wednesday night dinners. It is encouraging to me each time we are welcomed into someone's home. It just feels too good to be true. These people sure do know how to love us.

Thursday night we had our second youth event of the summer. Matt, Erin, Patrick and I took 14 of Hope Chapel's youth to paint pottery (most of us made father's day gifts). It was really, really awesome. I felt like everyone got into in and ended up having fun. Erin and I painted our "summer father" a Duke tile. Walker, our host dad, went to Carolina, but is a huge Duke fan. We don't get it, but we are happy to have a fan of anyone except Chapel Hill around (by we I mean me, because Erin doesn't really care).

Friday I got to hang out with Ashley D and sweet baby Canaan (Ashley is my small group leader from high school who now has a baby). We took Canaan to the pool and talked and ate cherries. I love her. I am so thankful for her. I know that I can count on her to give me good advice, to tell me when I'm being dumb, to encourage me, to hold me accountable, to speak truth to me. Watching her cute little family grow, and watching her love so well gives me hope.

Super 8 was so so good. Griffin, Erin and I went and saw it Saturday afternoon. We had originally wanted to go at 12 (when we thought the earliest showing was), but we got there and were informed that the movie didn't actually start until 2 so we had a few hours to kill. It ended up actually being really, really good. We went and got frozen yogurt, and just sat outside and talked. We talked about the types of music we like and our frozen yogurt preferences, but we also talked about some good stuff - our hopes for the summer and our hopes for our relationships with each other. We are all eager to get to know one another, to learn how to best love one another, but we all also have fears, insecurities, brokenness and trust issues. It's harder than just saying, "I want to know you and I want you to know me." I am grateful for these people I am working with. I ask that Jesus would show us how to care for each other, that he would be at the center of the way we talk to one another, the way we work together, the way we build our relationships. Help us to know the right way to do things. Wrap us up in your peace, father, that we might know your love first, and that our love for each other would be in response to your heart.

With another week gearing up to being tomorrow (really today), I am excited. I am excited and anxious, because I am afraid I might not make the best of every opportunity I am given. I want to make the best of them all. I shared with my community group a little bit about how tired I have been feeling recently. Last week was just really emotionally taxing. I hope that this week will be the same. I am ready to be tired, because I am ready to deal with this junk instead of letting it fester. I am ready to walk into the sorrow, so that I may unlock the fullness of joy Jesus offers me. I am thankful that I am here, with these people, in this place for this season. Lord, give me the strength to be honest and real. Give me the strength to love when it's hard. Give me a heart for the hurting. If nothing else, my prayer for this week is that he would make me more like himself.

Again I say, "I can't wait to see what he has in store for us this summer. I pray that I would be open and willing to go down whatever road her leads me to."

Week dos.

Do I wish that things were easy? That is the question I am asking myself at the end of today. It is Tuesday. It feels like it should be at least Thursday. This week I feel like I have crammed a whole weeks worth of things into two little days. We have a lot of stuff going on that we are planning for our week of service at the end of July. We have a lot going on in the coming days and weeks that we are preparing for. We have a lot relationally going on as we continue to feel out how our team is going to work together. I have a lot on my mind just having to do with conversations and things I have talked about with people. My body isn't that tired today, but my brain is, my heart is. Our weeks are full. They are full of things needing to get done but they are also fully of love. We have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to love one another and ourselves. How to care for the families that we interact with and how to care for each other. There's no other way to put it. Days turn into weeks and the weeks just feel very full.

I had my first counseling session today. I love it and hate it so much. I'm glad that I am here and I wouldn't trade this experience for anything, but today was hard. Sitting in that room and being honest about where I am and how I am doing was hard. A huge prayer request that I have would be for my willingness to be vulnerable, to be real with people, to be honest.

We had dinner with another family from the church tonight. We really are so lucky that we get to hang out and break bread with these beautiful families each week. Tonight we went out to eat with the Bryants. They have two adorable little kids. I was coming into the dinner with a cloud over my head. I had a really intense counseling session and then a worship debrief meeting (where I was so distracted that I maybe said one thing the entire time) and pretty shortly after that we went to dinner. My mind had just been going since my meeting with Todd. I was processing and bouncing things around up there. I was just replaying everything that we talked about, and then all of the sudden I was expected to talk to these people I'd never really met before. I was struggling to be there fully. But I sat next to their daughter, Davis, and I got to talk to her throughout the meal. I love talking to little kids. I love where their minds go. I wish I still had some of that innocence or ignorance or whatever it is that makes kids so cute and great and awesome. After we had all eaten most of our meal, Davis asked me if she could sit in my lap. Duh. That adorable little child cuddled up on my lap made me feel so close to God's love. She gave me love so freely. She was so interested to hear about what my favorite color was and what I want to be when I grow up (she wants to be a cooker aka a chef). I couldn't have asked for a better way for God to remind me of what I am called to and how much he loves me. And I think that's where I will find my answer to that question. Do I wish this was easy? If you had asked me a few hours ago, I probably would have said yes, but I get to learn and grow closer to God's love through the intensity and through the uncertainties and through the hard stuff. Tonight I am thankful for the hard stuff, and for the support and relief Jesus provides in the most unlikely places.

We had some really great intern hang out time after dinner. I really love these guys a lot.

Weekend.

The power is out at the Weatherly's house/my house.

I am thankful for the weekend. I am thankful for free time, and the opportunity to create my own schedule. Greensboro is a cool place. It's big enough that there is stuff to do, but it's not so big that I feel lost or swallowed up. Friday a bunch of us went to see the new xmen movie. I love all of the xmen movies, like a lot. I don't know what it is about them. I've alway been captivated by the science fiction/fantasy genre. I'm not sure how it happened, but I love that kind of stuff. The movie wasn't my favorite of the series, but I liked it nonetheless. Give me anything with mutant humans who have special powers and I'll probably love it. I got to go to First Friday downtown later on Friday night. I know we have it in Raleigh, but I've never been. It was really cool. There are art galleries and shops stay open later. There was live music and a little indie market. It was really fun. so many people were hanging out downtown. It was just cool. I liked the atmosphere.

Saturday I woke up early (at least early for a Saturday) and headed to the lake. There is a group of us who have been going to the lake since forever ago. I started going in the mid to late high school years, but they were going long before I got here. One of my best friends from high school, Kat, has a lake house where we used to go spend a week every summer. Now we are all older and have jobs and responsibilities. We're lucky if we can coordinate one day where we all can make it. There are eight of us that used to go in high school. Four of us made it out to Badin Lake on Saturday. We missed those that couldn't come. I can't really even explain how grateful I am for those three girls I got to spend the day with. Abby, Sarah, Kat and I go back to the Wesleyan days. These girls know me like no one else. They have seen me at my absolute worst, and somehow they still manage to show me love and compassion. We've hurt each others feelings so many times it's hard to believe we can still stand each other, but there's God's grace in action. They all love me so well. They know my strengths, they know my weaknesses, they know my heart, my hurts, they really know it all. I am so grateful for that day with them. For their hearts, their honesty, their laughs, their stories. I pray for my beautiful friends. That Jesus would fill each of them up every morning. That he would make known in their hearts his abounding love for each of them. That as we all do separate things this summer, he would use our relationships to make us stronger, to refresh us, to give us examples of his love and grace. Such an encouraging, restful, fun day on the lake.

Sunday was loooong. I got up early and met my brother and his girlfriend for breakfast before getting to the church to help setup. So good to get to spend some time with my little brother. I miss him. I got to hang out with the elementary school kids in Sunday school while the service was going on, so I didn't get to hear the sermon, but I did get to hang out with the kids. I love their energy. We (interns) started working on a promotional video for the OUR GSO week at the end of July after church. We did stuff with that until we all had to part and go to Community Group.

After Community Group I came back to the Weatherly's house and thought about watching tv (which I haven't done in ages) but right when I sat down on the couch the power blew out. So I wrote some of this and then went to sleep (at 10pm). I was tired.

Keep me ever trusting, resting.

It is Friday, which means that it is my day off. We get Fridays and Saturdays off. I slept in today. I love sleep way too much.

The past few days have been encouraging to me. They have been full of kind, uplifting words from people that I love. They have been full of sweet moments with people that have known me forever, and people I have only just met. I have been exhausted in every sense of the word, but I wouldn't go back and change they way any of it played out.

I was feeling pretty drained after the first few days of this week. I think just being around the same people all of the time, and not ever being able to escape to the comfort of people that already know, get, and accept me. It was hard for me to be, in a sense, trapped like that. I have nothing against these people, and I have only the utmost respect for them and I desire to know them better, but it was getting overwhelming, especially because of the nature of this internship. It is very relationally focused; we are not just working alongside of each other, we are working to dig into each others lives and build deep relationships. I am all for that. I think it's great, but in order for that to happen (at least for me) I have to have time alone and I have to have time where I get reinforced by already existing healthy relationships. I need that to be able to process all the other stuff. I've gotten those things over the past few days, and I am thankful it was possible. I am thankful for the old and the new people. I hope I can do a better job of taking care of myself in the weeks to come.

Wednesday nights this summer we get to have dinner with a different elder from the church and their family. This week we kicked things off with the Osborne family. They prepared for us a huge, delicious meal. Instead of all giving our brief "autobiography" we each told about the person we were sitting next to. It was a fun way to do it. I liked it. After dinner, we played Banana Grams. I'd never played before. It's basically just speed scrabble. It was really fun! We hung out and talked and just had another relaxing, fun night.

Yesterday I got a good bit of work done in the morning. I missed the first youth event (which I'm told ended up going quite well) to go and see Calvin's school play. Calvin is an elementary schooler who is in my community group. He was prince charming in his schools production of Cinderella. It was so cute!!! I wish I had a picture to post on here of his sweet little prince outfit! He was the best prince charming I have ever seen! So, so glad I could go.

I'm trying to be more honest with myself, others, and God.

I'm trying to stand on solid things that don't change, instead of my usual wiggly, rickety things.

I'm trying to remember and find confidence in the only opinion of me that matters.

I'm also trying to smile more often.

Go Go Go.

We had our first dinner with a family from the church last night. We get to have a meal with a different family each week. It's a pretty sweet deal. It was awesome though. We just hung out and talked and ate and relaxed. It's refreshing to be invited into people's homes again and again and to be loved and cared for so well. I hope we did a good job of caring for them as well. It's crazy how different each family is (something that I realized last year and am beginning to pick up again). They all have their own way of doing things. Everyone has their own routine, preferences, and way of interacting with each other, but it's encouraging to me to know that even though there are so many different styles of families, there is no "right way." They are all going after the same things, just taking different approaches to get there. Different people feel loved in different ways. I'm encouraged by these people, simply because of the way they live their lives, their commitment to one another, by the way they act, and by the words that they choose to use.

Different note: I've been really frustrated with myself recently. I know I talked a little bit about it before, but I feel like it's grown, at least in my mind, as a problem. I get told that I'm hard to read, or difficult to understand in the sense that I don't wear my emotions or feelings on my sleeve. I hide things, and I'm good at it. I am definitely more introverted. I am definitely not one to spill my life to people I don't know very well. I know these things about myself and I really hate them. I wish that I was more extroverted. I wish that I could trust people more easily. I wish that it didn't take forever for me to build the foundation of a healthy relationship, and it doesn't always. It's easier for me to do with girls than it is guys. And I have grown in this area. But the growth is not as fast as I wish it was. It's a slow process. Painfully slow it seems sometimes. It makes me compare myself to others and wish that I was more like them. It makes me feel broken, or more broken than others. It makes me feel inadequate. It makes me feel stuck. It makes me feel like dead weight.

It's been kind of exhausting for me trying to keep up with everyone around me that doesn't seem to struggle in the same ways I do. I miss the comfort of worn in friendships and family. I miss the comfort and routine of school. I know that it's good for me to be challenged and taken out of that environment, but it's still hard. I feel like there are expectations on me that I can't live up to. I kind of freaked out about it last night. I called Sarah and talked to her about it and then I talked to Erin a little bit about it. I am thankful for them both, for their wisdom, their friendships, their honesty. I am thankful that I talked to them. I wouldn't have always chosen to do that. That's growth, right?

I pray that I would find rest and peace in where God has me right now. That I would take advantage of the people he has positioned in my life for this season, and that I would find contentment in his promises, knowing that he made me this way. I was not created as an extrovert, and that's ok. Yes, there is room for growth, but my personality is not a hinderance. God didn't mess up when he created any of us, and I'm not an exception to that. There is brokenness in me, but there is grace all around me, and there is a larger plan than my own.

Isaiah 55:9-13

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow

come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy

and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills

will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the field

will clap their hands.

Instead of the thorn bush will grown the juniper,

and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.

This will be for the Lord's renown,

for and everlasting sign,

that will endure forever."