Go Go Go.

We had our first dinner with a family from the church last night. We get to have a meal with a different family each week. It's a pretty sweet deal. It was awesome though. We just hung out and talked and ate and relaxed. It's refreshing to be invited into people's homes again and again and to be loved and cared for so well. I hope we did a good job of caring for them as well. It's crazy how different each family is (something that I realized last year and am beginning to pick up again). They all have their own way of doing things. Everyone has their own routine, preferences, and way of interacting with each other, but it's encouraging to me to know that even though there are so many different styles of families, there is no "right way." They are all going after the same things, just taking different approaches to get there. Different people feel loved in different ways. I'm encouraged by these people, simply because of the way they live their lives, their commitment to one another, by the way they act, and by the words that they choose to use.

Different note: I've been really frustrated with myself recently. I know I talked a little bit about it before, but I feel like it's grown, at least in my mind, as a problem. I get told that I'm hard to read, or difficult to understand in the sense that I don't wear my emotions or feelings on my sleeve. I hide things, and I'm good at it. I am definitely more introverted. I am definitely not one to spill my life to people I don't know very well. I know these things about myself and I really hate them. I wish that I was more extroverted. I wish that I could trust people more easily. I wish that it didn't take forever for me to build the foundation of a healthy relationship, and it doesn't always. It's easier for me to do with girls than it is guys. And I have grown in this area. But the growth is not as fast as I wish it was. It's a slow process. Painfully slow it seems sometimes. It makes me compare myself to others and wish that I was more like them. It makes me feel broken, or more broken than others. It makes me feel inadequate. It makes me feel stuck. It makes me feel like dead weight.

It's been kind of exhausting for me trying to keep up with everyone around me that doesn't seem to struggle in the same ways I do. I miss the comfort of worn in friendships and family. I miss the comfort and routine of school. I know that it's good for me to be challenged and taken out of that environment, but it's still hard. I feel like there are expectations on me that I can't live up to. I kind of freaked out about it last night. I called Sarah and talked to her about it and then I talked to Erin a little bit about it. I am thankful for them both, for their wisdom, their friendships, their honesty. I am thankful that I talked to them. I wouldn't have always chosen to do that. That's growth, right?

I pray that I would find rest and peace in where God has me right now. That I would take advantage of the people he has positioned in my life for this season, and that I would find contentment in his promises, knowing that he made me this way. I was not created as an extrovert, and that's ok. Yes, there is room for growth, but my personality is not a hinderance. God didn't mess up when he created any of us, and I'm not an exception to that. There is brokenness in me, but there is grace all around me, and there is a larger plan than my own.

Isaiah 55:9-13

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow

come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy

and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills

will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the field

will clap their hands.

Instead of the thorn bush will grown the juniper,

and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.

This will be for the Lord's renown,

for and everlasting sign,

that will endure forever."