Sad. Fruitful. Broken. True.
I love words. They can be so powerful, so beautiful. There is so much potential in words. I get the same feeling from reading a beautifully written paragraph that I get when I listen to a good song. It can fill me up, give me hope; words have the ability to stir things, to enhance already existing feelings, even if I don't really want them too.
2011 ends today. EEEEEEEE Ashley is getting married! One of my best friends got engaged yesterday or the day before. I don't know one of those days. They are all running together. This life is moving more and more quickly, it seems. I'm not always sure how to keep up with it. It's speeding. I want to soak it up. I want to be brave in the time I am given. I want to remember the things that matter; I want to dwell on those things. I want to love better. I want to be more kind. I want to be wise in the choices I make.
I've never really done new years resolutions. Mainly because I've never really understood why there is this huge hype around January 1st. January 1st doesn't change things. I like to think that we can change things any day. There is nothing wrong with striving to be something better, to change, but there is also nothing magical about starting a new year. If I believe what I say I do, then I have to believe that people can change. I do believe that people can change. I guess I've always just been uncomfortable with new years resolutions, because I get this feeling that people think they can only start over when the calendar does.
Well, I was thinking about all of this yesterday, and so in an attempt to maintain my anti-new-year-resolution-persona, I made some December 30th resolutions. Just kidding. I think resolutions are great. I think goals are good. Things to reach for are a good thing.
I want to be softer, more tender, more kind. I want to smile more. I want to love better. I want to feel things more deeply. I guess I'll sum it up with tenderness. I like that word. I think it includes a lot of things that wouldn't really describe who I am today. I want to feel warm to people. So there it is. Tenderness.
Honesty. One of my other, non engaged friends and I were talking the other day about relationships. All kinds of relationships. We talked about honesty and how it can be hard sometimes. I don't tend to flat out lie to people a lot. That's not really a struggle of mine (although I have done it), but I do have a hard time being honest with myself sometimes and with God.
It's important that I take time to process, reflect, talk, dig. It's important that I do that on my own, and it's important that I have people who will help me do that. It's important that I have people who won't take ____ from me. I don't tend to straight out lie to people, but I will gloss over things, I will beat around the bush, I will make things look just a little bit more pretty than they actually are. I want to be honest. I want to be truthful. We half-jokingly, half-not made comments like, "2012 is going to be all about honesty." I like that idea of that.
Tenderness and truthfulness.
Truthfulness and tenderness.
I have a long, long list of things I'd like to change someday. Right now I'm thinking about tenderness and truthfulness. Who would have thought I'd ever go for the two word exercise on my own. Looks like people really can change.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Remember spring swaps snow for leaves.
"I know the sad feeling; it's strange that reality can take so long to hit us and when it does, boy does it hit hard...The change is scary and uncomfortable but I know that it has to happen, that it is good that it is happening, that God has plans for us, and that things always have to change if we're going to move forward to meet those plans." Erin Helmly
Phew. That was hard for me to stomach. That was hard for me to hear. Erin wrote that to me a while ago and it was hard to hear then. I just rediscovered it the other day and it hit me all over again. I am thankful for people in my life that see things differently than I do. I am thankful for people with different perspectives and different life experiences. I am thankful that I have people that can speak truth into the areas of my life that I cannot see clearly. I am thankful for the people in my life that tell me what I need to hear and not just what is easy to tell me. That was hard for me to hear, but it was good. It was right. It is right. I want to move forward to meet the plans God has for me, and things do have to change in order for that to happen. So I guess, in a roundabout way, I do want change to come. You wouldn't know that by the way I typically do things, but I know deep in me somewhere I want change to come. At least I know that I want to want it.
But really, I fight change like it's my job. Any kind of change. I'm not exactly sure why or where it comes from. I'm sure there's some deeply rooted disfunction going on somewhere inside of me that I will explore one day, but right now all I know is that change terrifies me. There is hard change, like saying goodbye to someone or letting go of someone. There is easier change, like moving from one semester to the next, changing my schedule and what my day to day looks like. I know I've written about this before, my tendency to avoid change at pretty much any cost. I guess you could say it's a theme in my life. I think it's good for that theme to be challenged. I know it's unhealthy and I know I don't want to be like this forever, but I feel a disconnect between that desire and the ability to take action, to actually change it.
It comes down to my desire to be in control. It comes down to my lack of faith. It comes down to the fact that I don't always believe what God says is true.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
These two little gems are ingrained in my brain. Thanks Wesleyan. They are where my mind went when I started thinking about God working for my best interest. These two pieces of scripture are written on my heart, but they don't always feel true. It doesn't always feel like things are being made new, and good, like I have hope for a better future, and that is not always easy to ignore or overlook. The fact that he tells me he's working everything together for my good, the fact that he's working everything together to prosper me; why doesn't it always feel like that? What's worse is that it's so much bigger than just me. I can't look at the city I live in and see a whole lot of good being made from bad. There are so many people without a future, without hope.
I know that I don't yet see the whole picture. I know that there's no way I could know all of the ways he is working and redeeming and making things right. I know that right now I see things like a child, like a poor reflection in a mirror and one day I will see face to face. I know that he's the weaver, not me; he's the one working all of this together to make us better, stronger, more like him, to bring justice to the world. I have this insane notion that I could do a better job if he would give me a shot. Give me the wheel for just a little while and I will make things right, at least for myself and the people around me that I love. I will make things better, happy. It sounds really dumb when I type it out, but you'd be surprised how good I am at rationalizing these things in my brain.
Things don't always feel like they are being made right, new, better. I can't always look at the painful things in my life and see the ways that Jesus is using them to bring me closer to his heart. I can't always see the ways that he is working, but I trust that he is. It doesn't always feel like the plans he has for me are good, but I trust that they are. Things don't always seem fair or just, but I trust that they will be, that he is bringing justice.
This week has felt long. This week has felt exhausting. This week has felt overwhelming. Parts of this week have felt hopeless. Parts of this week have felt painful. Parts of this week I have felt alone and small and confused. I've come to realize that my feelings aren't always reality. They are real because I feel them, but they don't get to win, they don't get to rule in my heart. I feel these things and they seem so big in the moment, but they're just not. I am not hopeless. I am not alone. I am not small. I am not without a bright future to look towards. I believe these things, and I am thankful for people, like Erin, who speak truth into the areas of my life that I cannot see clearly, who point me back to Truth when I get distracted by my feelings.
I am loved perfectly.
I am redeemed.
I am pursued hard everyday.
I am made new.
I never have to be without rest and peace.
I am a daughter of the king.
I never have to be without comfort.
I am forgiven.
I have deep, deep hope.
Phew. That was hard for me to stomach. That was hard for me to hear. Erin wrote that to me a while ago and it was hard to hear then. I just rediscovered it the other day and it hit me all over again. I am thankful for people in my life that see things differently than I do. I am thankful for people with different perspectives and different life experiences. I am thankful that I have people that can speak truth into the areas of my life that I cannot see clearly. I am thankful for the people in my life that tell me what I need to hear and not just what is easy to tell me. That was hard for me to hear, but it was good. It was right. It is right. I want to move forward to meet the plans God has for me, and things do have to change in order for that to happen. So I guess, in a roundabout way, I do want change to come. You wouldn't know that by the way I typically do things, but I know deep in me somewhere I want change to come. At least I know that I want to want it.
But really, I fight change like it's my job. Any kind of change. I'm not exactly sure why or where it comes from. I'm sure there's some deeply rooted disfunction going on somewhere inside of me that I will explore one day, but right now all I know is that change terrifies me. There is hard change, like saying goodbye to someone or letting go of someone. There is easier change, like moving from one semester to the next, changing my schedule and what my day to day looks like. I know I've written about this before, my tendency to avoid change at pretty much any cost. I guess you could say it's a theme in my life. I think it's good for that theme to be challenged. I know it's unhealthy and I know I don't want to be like this forever, but I feel a disconnect between that desire and the ability to take action, to actually change it.
It comes down to my desire to be in control. It comes down to my lack of faith. It comes down to the fact that I don't always believe what God says is true.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
These two little gems are ingrained in my brain. Thanks Wesleyan. They are where my mind went when I started thinking about God working for my best interest. These two pieces of scripture are written on my heart, but they don't always feel true. It doesn't always feel like things are being made new, and good, like I have hope for a better future, and that is not always easy to ignore or overlook. The fact that he tells me he's working everything together for my good, the fact that he's working everything together to prosper me; why doesn't it always feel like that? What's worse is that it's so much bigger than just me. I can't look at the city I live in and see a whole lot of good being made from bad. There are so many people without a future, without hope.
I know that I don't yet see the whole picture. I know that there's no way I could know all of the ways he is working and redeeming and making things right. I know that right now I see things like a child, like a poor reflection in a mirror and one day I will see face to face. I know that he's the weaver, not me; he's the one working all of this together to make us better, stronger, more like him, to bring justice to the world. I have this insane notion that I could do a better job if he would give me a shot. Give me the wheel for just a little while and I will make things right, at least for myself and the people around me that I love. I will make things better, happy. It sounds really dumb when I type it out, but you'd be surprised how good I am at rationalizing these things in my brain.
Things don't always feel like they are being made right, new, better. I can't always look at the painful things in my life and see the ways that Jesus is using them to bring me closer to his heart. I can't always see the ways that he is working, but I trust that he is. It doesn't always feel like the plans he has for me are good, but I trust that they are. Things don't always seem fair or just, but I trust that they will be, that he is bringing justice.
This week has felt long. This week has felt exhausting. This week has felt overwhelming. Parts of this week have felt hopeless. Parts of this week have felt painful. Parts of this week I have felt alone and small and confused. I've come to realize that my feelings aren't always reality. They are real because I feel them, but they don't get to win, they don't get to rule in my heart. I feel these things and they seem so big in the moment, but they're just not. I am not hopeless. I am not alone. I am not small. I am not without a bright future to look towards. I believe these things, and I am thankful for people, like Erin, who speak truth into the areas of my life that I cannot see clearly, who point me back to Truth when I get distracted by my feelings.
I am loved perfectly.
I am redeemed.
I am pursued hard everyday.
I am made new.
I never have to be without rest and peace.
I am a daughter of the king.
I never have to be without comfort.
I am forgiven.
I have deep, deep hope.
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