Remember spring swaps snow for leaves.

"I know the sad feeling; it's strange that reality can take so long to hit us and when it does, boy does it hit hard...The change is scary and uncomfortable but I know that it has to happen, that it is good that it is happening, that God has plans for us, and that things always have to change if we're going to move forward to meet those plans." Erin Helmly


Phew. That was hard for me to stomach. That was hard for me to hear. Erin wrote that to me a while ago and it was hard to hear then. I just rediscovered it the other day and it hit me all over again. I am thankful for people in my life that see things differently than I do. I am thankful for people with different perspectives and different life experiences. I am thankful that I have people that can speak truth into the areas of my life that I cannot see clearly. I am thankful for the people in my life that tell me what I need to hear and not just what is easy to tell me. That was hard for me to hear, but it was good. It was right. It is right. I want to move forward to meet the plans God has for me, and things do have to change in order for that to happen. So I guess, in a roundabout way, I do want change to come. You wouldn't know that by the way I typically do things, but I know deep in me somewhere I want change to come. At least I know that I want to want it. 


But really, I fight change like it's my job. Any kind of change. I'm not exactly sure why or where it comes from. I'm sure there's some deeply rooted disfunction going on somewhere inside of me that I will explore one day, but right now all I know is that change terrifies me. There is hard change, like saying goodbye to someone or letting go of someone. There is easier change, like moving from one semester to the next, changing my schedule and what my day to day looks like. I know I've written about this before, my tendency to avoid change at pretty much any cost. I guess you could say it's a theme in my life. I think it's good for that theme to be challenged. I know it's unhealthy and I know I don't want to be like this forever, but I feel a disconnect between that desire and the ability to take action, to actually change it. 


It comes down to my desire to be in control. It comes down to my lack of faith. It comes down to the fact that I don't always believe what God says is true. 


Romans 8:28 
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 


Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


These two little gems are ingrained in my brain. Thanks Wesleyan. They are where my mind went when I started thinking about God working for my best interest. These two pieces of scripture are written on my heart, but they don't always feel true. It doesn't always feel like things are being made new, and good, like I have hope for a better future, and that is not always easy to ignore or overlook. The fact that he tells me he's working everything together for my good, the fact that he's working everything together to prosper me; why doesn't it always feel like that? What's worse is that it's so much bigger than just me. I can't look at the city I live in and see a whole lot of good being made from bad. There are so many people without a future, without hope. 


I know that I don't yet see the whole picture. I know that there's no way I could know all of the ways he is working and redeeming and making things right. I know that right now I see things like a child, like a poor reflection in a mirror and one day I will see face to face. I know that he's the weaver, not me; he's the one working all of this together to make us better, stronger, more like him, to bring justice to the world. I have this insane notion that I could do a better job if he would give me a shot. Give me the wheel for just a little while and I will make things right, at least for myself and the people around me that I love. I will make things better, happy. It sounds really dumb when I type it out, but you'd be surprised how good I am at rationalizing these things in my brain.


Things don't always feel like they are being made right, new, better. I can't always look at the painful things in my life and see the ways that Jesus is using them to bring me closer to his heart. I can't always see the ways that he is working, but I trust that he is. It doesn't always feel like the plans he has for me are good, but I trust that they are. Things don't always seem fair or just, but I trust that they will be, that he is bringing justice. 


This week has felt long. This week has felt exhausting. This week has felt overwhelming. Parts of this week have felt hopeless. Parts of this week have felt painful. Parts of this week I have felt alone and small and confused. I've come to realize that my feelings aren't always reality. They are real because I feel them, but they don't get to win, they don't get to rule in my heart. I feel these things and they seem so big in the moment, but they're just not. I am not hopeless. I am not alone. I am not small. I am not without a bright future to look towards. I believe these things, and I am thankful for people, like Erin, who speak truth into the areas of my life that I cannot see clearly, who point me back to Truth when I get distracted by my feelings.


I am loved perfectly.
I am redeemed. 
I am pursued hard everyday.
I am made new.
I never have to be without rest and peace.
I am a daughter of the king.
I never have to be without comfort.
I am forgiven. 
I have deep, deep hope.