Letting darkness grow as if we need its palette & we need its color.

Sometimes my to do list is my best friend. It gives me structure and goals to reach for. It fills my time and helps me feel like I have something small to hold on to and control when so many other things seem big and overwhelming. Crossing things off of my list brings me comfort. It makes breathing seem easier. I like structure. I like schedule. I like routine and I like to do lists.

I like all of those things until I don't. Most times they are life giving. Most times they give me fuel. Most days lists and schedules make me excited and happy to do the things the I need to do, but sometimes I feel like I'm being suffocated. Sometimes I hate my lists and schedules and reminders. Sometimes I just want to run and hide from my lists and my schedule. I want to have days where I do what I want to do when I want to do it just because I want to. Some days I want to chuck the schedule and eat lunch for 2 hours. I want to go to bed at 3:00 am because I'm having a conversation that runs into the early morning. I want to do my work, but maybe not on the 9-5 schedule that I am on, even though most days I am thankful for the boundaries that 9-5 affords me.

Most days I love my schedule. Most days I cling to it for dear life. But some days every now and then I hate it. Don't ask me how I can absolutely love and absolutely despise the same exact thing. John Eldredge might tell you it's because I'm a woman. The Myers Briggs test might tell you it's because I'm an INFP. If you know me you know I am not fond of those answers; I think it's much more simple than that.

I think it has to do with being human, something to do with my soul's cry for forever.

Maybe. Maybe not.

I think we were all born with longings in our hearts. I long for comfort and peace and joy. I want to feel worthwhile, like I matter. I want to feel like dreaming isn't a dead end road. Don't we all feel those things? Don't we all long for those things to feel true in our hearts?

Maybe not everyone feels that way. But I do. And most of the time when I look at my list, it points me to eternity, it fills just a hint of my longing for true purpose and real comfort and belonging. But other times I look at my schedule and I want to cry because all I can see and all I can feel is the weight of a to do list that will never be able to meet all of the needs around me. Most of the time I see the good in my schedule and structure, but every now and then I feel the absolute destitution of a to do list broken and corrupt.

I wrote the following about a month ago. I wrote it when I was having one of those days where I hate a lot of things that I usually love. I had just started a new job and I was feeling overwhelmed.

"It feels a little bit like I can’t breathe right now. People talk all the time about there not being enough hours in the day but I’ve never understood that feeling exactly the way that I do right now. I want to do this work. I want to be in this setting, with these clients, these people, but I don’t want to feel like I’m drowning. I don’t want to feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t want to feel like I am sinking and pulling everyone around me down with me. I want to feel like I am doing something good. I want to feel like I am doing more good than bad. I want to feel like I am doing something that matters. Right now I feel shell shocked. I can’t catch up. I can’t do it. There is too much for me to learn, too many people for me to please, too many clients for me to serve. There are too many needs and it’s hard because all of the needs are real and they are all big and they are all pressing right this very second. 

Even taking the time to prioritize all the needs feels like I am wasting time that I could be using to do something else vitally important. And then there is me. I want to have a life. I want to know myself outside of this place and I want to be known outside of this place. I want to feel full and happy and like I belong here. I want to feel full and more than that I want to actually be full. I want those things to be true, because I am 100% certain that I am a better person when those things are true. I am more like I was created to be when I have a life that is balanced. I am better able to help serve these people when I am full. I am getting to the end of my fuel tank and I need to be filled. 

Lord, help me to be full, because I feel empty and I cannot do this on empty. Help me to be full because without your help I will try and try and try to fill myself up with fuel that wasn't ever meant to sustain me. It won’t work. I want this to be a place where I shine, but I can’t shine on my own. I am struggling to see my worth. I am struggling to see the things that I do well. I am struggling to remember why I am here and how I got here and who you say I am. Help me to remember, because I will crash and burn without that reminder. 

Every day I want to know that I can get out of bed because you are here and you are alive and you will give to me all that I need for every second of every moment. Help me to live as if I actually believed that. Help me to live as if I actually knew how much hope I have. Give me hope. Fill me with hope every morning, and then again at lunch when I have forgotten and then again after work when I just want to cry. Remind me of your hope, because I so often forget. Fill me with your hope. Fill me with your love. Fill me with your mercy and grace. Fill me with your story all day, every day, because I am not going to fill myself with it. Left to my own devices I get to this place where I feel like I cannot breathe and the walls are caving in around me and I will be crushed. 

If I have to drown, Lord, may it be in your ocean of grace. If I have to be crushed, Lord, may it be by the weight of your love for me. If you must break me, God, make it for something worthwhile. I love it here. I love these people. I love this place. Remind me why I can be here. Remind me why I can be overworked and underpaid. Remind me why it’s ok that I do not have enough hours in the day. Tell me again who it is that I answer to. Give me strength to face the misery that is painted on so many of our client’s faces. Give me wisdom to speak your words of love. Give me power to proclaim the hope that you have called me to. Give me grace upon grace upon grace upon grace, because I am going to fail. A lot. Remind me why it is ok to fail. Help me to extend to others the same grace that I ask for you to extend to me. I miss you. I love you. Help me." 

I need to be reminded so often. I need to look for hope even when all I feel is the weight of pain, the stress of brokenness, the anxiety of a life lived in between times.