finals & all that entails.

It feels like for the last week and a half my entire life has consisted of little more than paper after paper, long hours at a million different coffee shops, exams, way too much coffee, not enough real food, not enough real studying, and sleep. I'm not one of those people that can neglect sleep in the name of being a good student; I certainly don't do it during the semester, and exam time is no different. If it comes down to sleeping or studying, nine times out of ten I will chose sleep. That's just the way it is. Part of it is that I'm just not a great studier. I can write papers all day long, but just studying feels so empty to me. I know it serves a purpose, but I always just feel very pointless when I study, like nothing is actually produced by all of the time and work I put into it. I know that's not entirely true; it's probably only my mind rationalizing poor study habits.

I think I made a mistake this exam season. I've actually worked harder than any other exam time of my college career, never mind that a lot of the work I have been doing has been to make up for slacking off earlier this semester. But I have been working hard nonetheless. My mistake was not the amount of time I worked or even the inner slacker that lives within me, but the shift in my priorities that comes with this time of year. There are periods where I am able to pretty well balance my life: the spiritual, the social, school, work, family, sleep, etc, and there are periods where it all goes to hell and sleep becomes my top priority or friends become what I invest all of my time into.

The funny thing is that when things get crazy the spiritual never seems to just float to my top priority. If I want to make time for God first, I have to work at it. If I want the spiritual to trickle down from the top into every other area of my life, that is not something that just happens on its own; if I am not actively striving to make this the case, it simply will not occur. I cannot imagine a more potent argument for my own wickedness, my own brokenness. If I was truly good, than of course my tendency would be to gravitate towards relationship with my maker. My tendency seems to be the total opposite. It's not like I am turning my back on God or even saying that I don't need to spend time with him. I just get lazy in our relationship, because there seem to be so many other things to fill my time with, so many pressing things that need to get done now. So my attitude towards all things spiritual turns to apathy. It's still important to me, but I don't care enough to change anything; I don't care enough to rearrange my priorities. How quickly apathy turns to sin.

Exam time has made this more evident to me. I see a stark difference in the way I have been budgeting my time, and the way I should have been using my time. Of course, during this crazy time school needs to be up there, studying is a must in college, especially in finals week. I am not saying that I have studied too much, in fact I will say that I have not studied enough, however I have not made time to spend with Dad. On my good days Jesus is a part of everything I do. On my bad days when I leave him out or make him watch from the sidelines, not only does our relationship suffer, but every relationship I have suffers. Like I already mentioned, on my own my wickedness takes over, it rules my life, it dictates what I do, what I say, how I treat others, and everything else. I want God to be my number one always. When that is easy, and when it's more challenging, because it changes everything. I am so much more happy when I have that time, so much kinder, more understanding, I give better advice, I even think studying would have been better had I let Jesus be a part of it.

I am happy that I have my last exam today. I cannot wait for it to be over. I only hope that I remember this feeling come next exam time, and all the other stressful times I am sure will pop up between now and then. All I have to do is let him in.

Ruth.

Where did first semester go? As we draw closer and closer to Christmas I am getting more and more excited about a break from classes, papers, and tests. I am getting more and more excited about Christmas parties and sweet, sweet time with loved ones. I am stoked that the cold weather seems to finally be upon us. I love the cold. I love jackets and hot coffee and scarves, I love scarves. It seems like this Winter season snuck up on us. Is first semester really over?

I am excited about what is to come, but I am equally disturbed at the amount of time I seem to have wasted. I am pumped to get a break, but what exactly have I done to deserve it? What have I done this first semester of my Junior year of College to merit Christmas vacation? I feel like, this semester in particular, I have wasted a lot of time. I have spent a lot of valuable time feeling sorry for myself, making excuses, and just not doing the things I say I want to do. I want to love people well. I want to be a worthwhile part of N.C. State. I want to stop being so entirely sarcastic and just be vulnerable sometimes. I want to love my city, Raleigh, well. I want to be present every day. I want to actively engaged myself in my community. I want to know people different from myself. I want to take better care of myself. I really want to cook more often.

Actions speak louder than words. I believe this. I believe this, because it sucks when someone tells you one thing and does something else. I don't want to be one of those people. I am one of those people.

A lot of my time with Dad recently has been spent in the book of Ruth. I never really thought much of the story of Ruth. It was always just a sad story of a bunch of women whose husbands died. Turns out that's not really the point. The church I worked with this Summer just finished a series on Ruth. I caught the first one live and have listened to the rest online. The sermons are outstanding. Go. http://www.hopechapelgreensboro.org/

But more than that, God is outstanding. Ok, that sounds real lame, but you get the point. I have been loving Ruth, because it's so confusing. It's so hard to pick out applications to real life, because a lot of it seems to deal with really tough issues where you can't be sure who is right and who is wrong in the situation. There is some obvious stuff, but there is so much that I don't understand! So, so much. And the reason I like the confusion is two fold. One, I always need to be reminded that I am not that smart. Just a pride thing. It's good that I can't understand this easily or in some aspects at all, because it keeps me humble, or rather humbles me at least a little. I like to think I'm pretty smart. It's hard to keep that persona when I can't even really explain what's going on in a four chapter book. The second reason I like the confusion is that it reminds me of real life. Real life is confusing. Things happen in real life where I don't know what's right and what's wrong. Black and white does not exist in Ruth or in life. It's so much more complicated than just, "don't lie," or "be modest." We live in the in-betweens. Ruth is about real life. Ruth is about the in-betweens.

Maybe I haven't acted the way that I say I want to because I am afraid of messing something up or letting someone down. Maybe I don't want to fail at the only things I've ever really been passionate about. Maybe that's why I have wasted so much of my time. I believe Jesus has given me Ruth in this season as a comfort and as a challenge. I see the choices that were made in this short little book. Bold, tough, controversial decisions. Ruth, Boaz, and Naomi all made several really difficult choices. But they did it. They did what they thought was right and they acted. They didn't just speak, they acted.

He's got my back. He's always with me. He loves me unconditionally. I have his approval and I can never lose it. So why not just go for it? I pray that I would be able to go hard after the truth not just with what I say, but with what I do, with the way that I act. I'm bound to fail every now and then regardless of what path I choose, but that doesn't make it any less worth it. I pray that I might become a woman rooted in action and in truth.

21.

I am 21. I feel like I could still be 18 or 16. High School doesn't feel like it was 3 years ago, but it was. It doesn't feel like that long ago that I got my license, and went to prom. It's crazy to look back over all the things I've experienced, all the things I've learned, the person that I was all the way to the person I've become. It scares me. I feel like 21 is the last birthday that people get really excited about. Like, all birthdays after 21 you are just getting further and further away from childhood. I'm not ready to be an adult. Well, I guess I am ready, but I'm going to miss being a kid, an adolescent, whatever you want to call it.

Sometimes I think I am prepared, but I am still mildly terrified. When I really think about it, all I want to do is close my eyes and ask God to take care of me, because there's no way I'm capable of taking care of myself in the real world. I guess it's good that I know I'm not capable. I guess it's good that I realize God is the one that will have to be doing all the real taking care of me. But I think I will miss the comfort of having mom and dad there always providing for me, not so much because I'm so scared of having to provide for myself, but because there is great comfort, there is great peace in knowing that someone else is always looking out for you, knowing that you are not alone, knowing that you will never have to figure anything out completely on your own. It may be a misguided comfort and a misguided peace, but it's there nonetheless. Obviously there needs to be a shift from me finding that comfort in my earthly parents to finding it in my heavenly father. I know that. It makes sense, and I believe it to be true. Why is it always so much harder than that? To know something and to live something are oceans apart. I don't always know how to bridge that gap, or maybe I'm not always willing to do what it takes.

I think it's ok to miss something that you loved. I loved my childhood. I loved growing up in Pennsylvania. I loved summers at the pool and playing in the creek. I loved my friends and the wonderful adults that poured into my life year after year. I loved parts of high school. Even the parts I didn't love, I loved how the Lord used those times to draw me closer and closer to his love and mercy. I loved making new North Carolina friends and I've loved developing those friendships on something solid. I've loved my fist few years of college, learning, trying to figure out this campus, and everything else. I miss and will miss all of those things, and I think that is ok; I think that is normal. But it would be a shame if I missed out on what is to come. I am terrified of change, yes, but I believe that I have so much more to learn, so much more to do, and so much more to grow. There is nostalgia for the past, but there is something much greater - there is hope for a brighter tomorrow. As I look back over my experiences and my life story I am bursting with joy to see what God will do next. I am filled with wonder at the thought of getting to see what comes next in his mysterious plan. And I am overjoyed that his plan will reign over mine. If I've learned anything from my past it's that I want my father's plan to win always over mine. I can't wait to see what he has in store. I'm scared, but what else is new? He hasn't let me down thus far. I hope I can stop worrying long enough to see that all my anxieties are a total waste of energy.

21. Here I am. Can't wait to see what's in store.

"The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent." John 6:29

anyway you want it.

I'm doing an internship this Summer with a small little two year old church plant. I heard about the position several months before summer started, and I thought there was no way I would even apply. But as I continued to pray about what I was going to do this Summer I continued to come up blank, except for the internship. It just kept coming to mind. I wanted so badly for something else to just appear, but it never did. I wanted God to appear to me in a dream or something and reveal some brilliant plan that he had for me this summer; a brilliant plan that didn't involve anything too uncomfortable for me. Dang. I'm kind of self-centered.

As a rule, I don't generally volunteer for leadership type positions. I don't like to be the center of attention. I don't feel qualified to have that kind of power most times. But I applied for the internship, mainly because that's what I felt like God was asking me to do. Which is great. But this week I've come to realize something about myself that I didn't see before.

Since the time that I came to terms with God wanting me to be in this place this Summer, with these people, I had built it up in my head as what I thought it would be like. I knew that God was going to teach me so much, but it got to the point where I thought knew what he was going to teach me before it ever even happened. On the day-to-day basis things have been pretty much what I expected. We were given a schedule that we follow pretty strictly, but on a deeper level it's nothing like I thought it would be. It's like I had this whole idea of what this experience would be like, I knew where I would struggle, I knew where I would do well, and I knew what I would come away from it all with.

Nothing has happened the way I thought it would, the way I wanted it to. Things that I'm usually good at, are a struggle, things that I'm usually not so good at, are a bigger struggle. God has just turned all of my expectations upside down (as he usually does).

It has been less about me learning how to love others, and more about me learning how to love myself. I'm coming to see how things from my past are manifested in who I am today. I'm seeing more and more self-contempt; I find my head having to remind my heart that I am valuable and deserve to have a voice, and for that voice to be heard.

It's the kind of stuff that we hate to deal with, because it's not fun, but it's the kind of stuff that once we do work through it, we come away stronger, closer to our maker, and better. It's the kind of pain that is easy to find joy in, because I know that this stuff is worth the trouble, it's worth the tears, it's worth the confusion, because one day I will be able to look back on it and smile, knowing that God produced something good in me, through the bad.

I like to think that I know what's best for myself. I like to think that I control my life. I like to think that my plan is the best plan. I pray that as I draw closer and closer to Jesus that he would absolutely break me of this. So I say with confidence: anyway He wants it, that's the way I need it.

The first will be last and the last will be first.

I babysit sometimes for these two adorable little girls who go to my church in Raleigh. I love going over to their house, because they are freaking precious, but also because it's cool to see these sweet little things being raised in a family where Jesus is the bottom line. I love to hear their innocent little voices singing about how Jesus loves all the little children of the world as they swing back and forth on the swing set outside. I love to hear about the latest Bible story mommy or daddy has read them. I love to hear them say their prayers before nap time.

I leave their house just about every time feeling so thankful. Thankful that I know Jesus loves me too. Thankful for the community of believers. Thankful that these little girls are growing up with the knowledge that their father in Heaven loves them more than they could ever really fathom. Thankful for the time I got to spend with them. And thankful for God's sovereignty.

I was over there a few weeks ago for a few hours during the day. It was a gorgeous day, and the three of us were playing on the swing set in the backyard. Anna (3) wanted to swing on my lap. Of course, Amber (4) announced that she too wanted to swing on my lap. I, being the adult and peacemaker that I am, suggested that Anna go first and then after a little while Amber could have a turn. So Anna and I slowly start the swinging process. I get us going pretty high, but nothing to write home about. Meanwhile, Amber starts swinging right next to us. She begins to pump her legs like the fate of the world depends on it, and explains to us that this is a contest to see who can swing the highest. Anna, who hasn't quite mastered the art of pumping her legs on the swing set, loved this contest. For possibly the first time in her life she was beating her big sister in a swinging race. Anna and I were higher. With all her might little Amber was just no match for my long, swing set pumping legs. And Anna had no issue letting her sister know who was winning the contest.

"We're winning! We're first!" exclaimed Anna.

"The first will be last and the last will be first," announced a somewhat pouty little 4 year old without a moments hesitation.

A smile instantly appeared on my face. "What did you say," I asked. She proceeded to tell me that it was something she had heard mommy say. We talked a little bit more about how it was from the Bible, but Jesus probably wasn't talking about swinging contests when he said it. It is just too cool to me that this little four year old already has scripture hidden in her heart. How awesome that she will get to grow up in an environment where these Truths are fed daily to her. It was so encouraging to me just to know that it is possible, that there are families that choose to have Scripture and Jesus and true sacrificial love at the forefront of their family life. I think it's just really awesome.

Summer 2010. what what.

How, oh how did I get here? It is the summer after my Sophomore year of college. ah! This cannot be real. I have left the teenage years behind and entered the 20s. Crazy. Sometimes it still feels weird that I am old enough to drive, or that I'm in college. Adulthood, how did you sneak up on me like this?

I want this summer to be different. For so many years I have felt like I was preparing for something. I've piled up excuse on top of excuse for not taking action or stepping out. Because I wasn't ready yet, I told myself, or because I was just a kid. I always told myself that I would get there one day, but at this point in my life I'm not old enough, I'm not wise enough, I'm not confident enough, I'm not smart enough, to influence people, to make a difference, to tell people about my Jesus, to take action, to have true impact. How lame is that? How much of a pansy am I? And more importantly, how self-centered am I; why do I think it's all about me? It's not.

1 Peter 2:16
Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God.

1 Timothy 4:12
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

As I typed out that first bit these two verses came to mind. And these are the conclusions I have come to. I will speak confidently, although I realize that my perspective is limited and inevitably will have flaws.

I am free. Free to choose who I will serve, what I will stand for, What I will do with my life, free to be who I want to be, who I think the best version of me is. But with that freedom comes immense responsibility. My choices affect others, and if I make the wrong ones, I am not the only one harmed. Evil is easy. Apathy is easy. Not acting is easy. Choosing to live as a servant of God, when we have been given this abundant freedom is difficult, but it's worth it; it's well worth it. Freedom is choosing to do right, when it's easy to do wrong.

What if youthfulness wasn't an excuse, what if it was a catalyst? Along with this gift of freedom, we have been given our youth, this short sweet time of energy and little responsibility to do with as we will. I'm beginning to see how fleeting it is. How I won't be young forever. How beautiful would it be if we chose to use this time to set an example in as many aspects of our lives as we could?

My prayer for this summer is that I would strive to make the most of every opportunity. That I would ditch the self doubt and anxiety that keeps me from living my life the best that I can, and that I would run hard after the one more faithful than the sunrise, knowing full well that if I do that, he will guide my every step. I pray for faith, for belief, and for the opportunity to demonstrate both. I pray for an open, willing heart, and a joyful spirt.

Blog.

n. A weblog.

I have a friend who started one; I want to be just like her. This is kind of weird for me so I'm not going to write a lot right now. I just thought I'd set it up and see what's it all about.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Philippians 4:8