21.

I am 21. I feel like I could still be 18 or 16. High School doesn't feel like it was 3 years ago, but it was. It doesn't feel like that long ago that I got my license, and went to prom. It's crazy to look back over all the things I've experienced, all the things I've learned, the person that I was all the way to the person I've become. It scares me. I feel like 21 is the last birthday that people get really excited about. Like, all birthdays after 21 you are just getting further and further away from childhood. I'm not ready to be an adult. Well, I guess I am ready, but I'm going to miss being a kid, an adolescent, whatever you want to call it.

Sometimes I think I am prepared, but I am still mildly terrified. When I really think about it, all I want to do is close my eyes and ask God to take care of me, because there's no way I'm capable of taking care of myself in the real world. I guess it's good that I know I'm not capable. I guess it's good that I realize God is the one that will have to be doing all the real taking care of me. But I think I will miss the comfort of having mom and dad there always providing for me, not so much because I'm so scared of having to provide for myself, but because there is great comfort, there is great peace in knowing that someone else is always looking out for you, knowing that you are not alone, knowing that you will never have to figure anything out completely on your own. It may be a misguided comfort and a misguided peace, but it's there nonetheless. Obviously there needs to be a shift from me finding that comfort in my earthly parents to finding it in my heavenly father. I know that. It makes sense, and I believe it to be true. Why is it always so much harder than that? To know something and to live something are oceans apart. I don't always know how to bridge that gap, or maybe I'm not always willing to do what it takes.

I think it's ok to miss something that you loved. I loved my childhood. I loved growing up in Pennsylvania. I loved summers at the pool and playing in the creek. I loved my friends and the wonderful adults that poured into my life year after year. I loved parts of high school. Even the parts I didn't love, I loved how the Lord used those times to draw me closer and closer to his love and mercy. I loved making new North Carolina friends and I've loved developing those friendships on something solid. I've loved my fist few years of college, learning, trying to figure out this campus, and everything else. I miss and will miss all of those things, and I think that is ok; I think that is normal. But it would be a shame if I missed out on what is to come. I am terrified of change, yes, but I believe that I have so much more to learn, so much more to do, and so much more to grow. There is nostalgia for the past, but there is something much greater - there is hope for a brighter tomorrow. As I look back over my experiences and my life story I am bursting with joy to see what God will do next. I am filled with wonder at the thought of getting to see what comes next in his mysterious plan. And I am overjoyed that his plan will reign over mine. If I've learned anything from my past it's that I want my father's plan to win always over mine. I can't wait to see what he has in store. I'm scared, but what else is new? He hasn't let me down thus far. I hope I can stop worrying long enough to see that all my anxieties are a total waste of energy.

21. Here I am. Can't wait to see what's in store.

"The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent." John 6:29