Bad week.

This week wasn't really too fun for me. Classes were not rewarding. I went to class and found myself counting down the seconds until I got to leave. I don't want to live my life, one day, in a job that I hate and count down the minutes until I can leave. That scares me.

The weather was cold. I couldn't sit outside in the morning. I couldn't even convince myself to get out of bed early enough most mornings to where that would even be possible.

I felt disconnected. I isolated myself this week from true fellowship with friends and family. I made things that shouldn't be that important, ultimately important, neglecting one of the most precious things I have, relationships.

I got a really bad test grade back. Like, really bad.

I've eaten really poorly this week. I feel gross.

I ignored Jesus when he asked me to spend time with him. I did other things instead, other things that I will say aren't more important to me, but that's not what my actions this week have demonstrated. Not only that, but I excluded him from everything else. I didn't let him speak when I was frustrated about school. I ignored his wisdom whenever I could have benefited from it. I didn't even give him a shot.

As I think back to last week and what an encouraging time it was, and then I look to this week and ehhh maybe not so much, the only thing I can think that has changed is me. The endless blessings in my life are still there. Jesus is still calling me each and every day to relationship with him. He still died for me (how is that not enough for my greedy little heart?). People were still praying for me, I just chose not to bask in it. There is still wonder and beauty in cold weather; just because I didn't want to see it or because things didn't happen the way I thought they should doesn't change that fact.

It was me. It wasn't the world, it wasn't my friends, it definitely wasn't my God. It was my old heart, the one that creeps back out if I don't fight it every day. It was my brokenness making an appearance. It was my lack of an eternal perspective. It was me. Outside forces didn't make this week lesser than last, I did. I still have so much to hope in, so much to be joyful about, so much to be thankful for. I'm not saying that I need to be super happy all the time. I'm not saying that I can't have off days or just low seasons, but I can always have hope. I can always have peace.

I need people in my life to remind me of that, to point me back on track when I start to wander, because it will happen time and time again. I pray that I would develop new relationships and strengthen the ones I already have. That I wold have people in my life who can lift me up when all I want to do is lie down (and that I can be that person to others), reminding me always that my trials are so trivial, but my hope is eternal.

Good week.

It has been such a good week. The closest I have felt to peace in a long, long time. The closest I have felt to abounding joy in months. It has been busy, yet restful, demanding, yet rewarding. I know that no one reads this, because I haven't really told anyone about it or given out the URL, but maybe for the 1.5 of you that do end up reading it, you will find encouragement. That is my prayer.

There was nothing hugely special about this week. I had classes, babysat, studied, worked, took Raleigh on a few walks, did some cooking, etc. But, somehow over the course of this week I was able to find deep joy in lots of little things, I was able to find rest and peace in the promises dad has made to me (none of which are new). I was able to have a much more eternal perspective this week than I have in a long time. I want to hold on to that. I never want to let that go.

It started with knowing that others were praying for me. I am beginning the process of support raising for an internship I am doing this summer (with the same church I worked with last summer), and I got to meet my team last weekend. We had a mini orientation to get a bunch of information about the summer. I already love them all. We started an email chain to keep each other updated on fund raising, prayer requests, and just life. I am committed to lifting each of my future team members up in prayer, and I believe that each of them are just as committed. I have also been gathering addresses and to send out a letter soon. It has been such a huge blessing to talk to people who are so excited to support me and pray for me! Like, whoa. I don't deserve this kind of love. I have felt totally wrapped up by everyones support as they continually point me back to my savior. I have some pretty great people in my life. I am so thankful for each and every one of them.

It continued with my classes. I am a social work major. I have been for a few semesters. It's tough stuff. So many sad stories, so many heartbreaking injustices, and just so much brokenness in our country and across the world. As I have learned more and more about the way our country works in regards to social welfare and social work in general, I have grown more and more excited about my major. Not because our system is perfect by any means (it's not at all), but because it gets to be my job to bring people hope, to empower them, and to give them the tools they need to succeed. It gets to be my job to love people, to meet them where they are and to love them if for no other reason, than because they bear the image of God (they don't teach us that part in class...). There are things I'm not excited about: dealing with lack of funding, myself not getting paid well, not being taken seriously by society and even some people close to me, all of my insecurities and baggage that I bring to the table, working with clients that just don't want to work with me, and a million other things, but at the end of the day I get to make it my job to help people, and I don't know any other way to do that than by loving people well. There are days that I think to myself, "There is no way I am going to be able to handle this stuff in the real world." Then I get my act together and remember that I will never have to. At least not by myself. I get to go into communities (with Jesus) and be his hands, his feet, and hopefully his mouth. I realize that anyone can do this, in just about any major or job field, but it's been fun for me, on my journey to sit in class and see ways that I can help spread the kingdom on this earth, ways that I can bring hope to the hopeless.

It grew when the weather started getting nice. This sounds so shallow, but I have felt God wooing me with this beautiful weather. I love the cold and all things winter, but I love the transition back into warm-ness. It is SO MUCH EASIER for me to get up in the mornings when it is not -2 outside. I love being able to sit outside on the porch in the morning and drink coffee. I love feeling the sunshine on my face as I walk to class. It's like as the earth renews itself, so does my spirit. I feel revitalized, and captivated by God's creation. So lame, I know, but so true. I love it.

It, this goodness I have rambled on about, has manifested itself in a bunch of other ways as well. I could go on and on about how precious this time has been to me, and I kind of have. This week I am thankful. This week I am humbled. This week I am loved. This week I am in awe of my father's goodness. I pray that I would continue to go hard after those things, even when they are not as easy to find, because I bet they're always there, waiting for me. I am so lucky. I am so blessed. I am so undeserving. I love that no matter what, I can always lean on those truths.

Thanks for the great week, full of love and peace. On to the next.

Non désolé.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

I did, am doing, and will continue to do so much that hurts God and people. I don't want to. It's just part of being human. I fail and come up short again and again. In a way it's good that I keep messing up; it reminds me that I am not God. I am not perfect (just in case I forgot.. not likely). In another way it's bad, because my shortcomings hurt others. All of the people I love, and myself.

I woke up this morning at 8:45 for a 9:10 class that I have with a good friend. It was cold and I didn't want to get out of bed. My stomach was hurting. It was raining on the way to class, and as soon as I sat down I spilled coffee on all of the papers I had just been given. When I attempted to drink the remaining coffee that I had not spilled, it burned my mouth. So I proceeded to heavily sigh, not talk to my friend, and not take any notes for the rest of class (I really showed them..). I know that I need forgiveness. I needed it this morning and I need it every morning.

I think this idea of not being able to consistently do things right a lot of times is used as an excuse. It's a hopeless situation, so why even try? I will admit, I've felt this way on occasion. I want so badly to do things right and yet I knowingly walk into sin time after time. It can seem hopeless, and even more so when you feel the consequences of another's sin. When someone lets you down or hurts you.

Forgive each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Each time I read this, it just rocks me. I think about all of the things Jesus has forgiven me for. I think about all of the things he's forgiven me for that I never even apologized for. I think about all of the things I hold on to. I think about the people in my life that are difficult to forgive, and I think about how much I need people to apologize before I grant them what Jesus offers us all so freely and abundantly each and every day.

It's crazy to me. We're not talking about simple name calling or lying. Don't get me wrong we're forgiven for that too, but it's the big stuff that kills me. It's the father who is unfaithful to his wife, and tears apart his family. It's the mother who is so critical of her daughter's appearance that it drives her to an eating disorder. It's the drunk driver that hits and kills a mother and father on their way home to their children. Jesus died for them. He died to forgive them, and he died to forgive me, and he didn't hold out on us because we refused to say that we were wrong. He didn't hold out on us for fear that we would never say we were sorry.

There are people in our lives that can really hurt us. It's usually our parents, or other family members, maybe a good friend, or a significant other. It's the ones that you trust, or want badly to trust. It's the ones that you give little pieces of yourself to, never thinking that they would ever use them against you. But we all come up short. We are all incapable of continual goodness. We've all hurt someone we love, and we've all been hurt by a loved one. Why is it such a huge shock every time? And why is forgiveness always so hard?

Maybe forgiveness is supposed to be hard. Maybe by learning to forgive instead of holding grudges, we get a tiny little glimpse into how Jesus felt when he died all those years ago on the cross. Maybe it makes us more like him, not just because forgiveness is obviously something he's all about, but also because he died for the men that sentenced him to death. And maybe when we forgive people that are hard to forgive, even hard to love, we can understand the pain and frustration our savior must have felt. Maybe we can begin to understand obedience and faith being truly lived out, and maybe, just maybe we can start to reflect those things within ourselves.