Bad week.

This week wasn't really too fun for me. Classes were not rewarding. I went to class and found myself counting down the seconds until I got to leave. I don't want to live my life, one day, in a job that I hate and count down the minutes until I can leave. That scares me.

The weather was cold. I couldn't sit outside in the morning. I couldn't even convince myself to get out of bed early enough most mornings to where that would even be possible.

I felt disconnected. I isolated myself this week from true fellowship with friends and family. I made things that shouldn't be that important, ultimately important, neglecting one of the most precious things I have, relationships.

I got a really bad test grade back. Like, really bad.

I've eaten really poorly this week. I feel gross.

I ignored Jesus when he asked me to spend time with him. I did other things instead, other things that I will say aren't more important to me, but that's not what my actions this week have demonstrated. Not only that, but I excluded him from everything else. I didn't let him speak when I was frustrated about school. I ignored his wisdom whenever I could have benefited from it. I didn't even give him a shot.

As I think back to last week and what an encouraging time it was, and then I look to this week and ehhh maybe not so much, the only thing I can think that has changed is me. The endless blessings in my life are still there. Jesus is still calling me each and every day to relationship with him. He still died for me (how is that not enough for my greedy little heart?). People were still praying for me, I just chose not to bask in it. There is still wonder and beauty in cold weather; just because I didn't want to see it or because things didn't happen the way I thought they should doesn't change that fact.

It was me. It wasn't the world, it wasn't my friends, it definitely wasn't my God. It was my old heart, the one that creeps back out if I don't fight it every day. It was my brokenness making an appearance. It was my lack of an eternal perspective. It was me. Outside forces didn't make this week lesser than last, I did. I still have so much to hope in, so much to be joyful about, so much to be thankful for. I'm not saying that I need to be super happy all the time. I'm not saying that I can't have off days or just low seasons, but I can always have hope. I can always have peace.

I need people in my life to remind me of that, to point me back on track when I start to wander, because it will happen time and time again. I pray that I would develop new relationships and strengthen the ones I already have. That I wold have people in my life who can lift me up when all I want to do is lie down (and that I can be that person to others), reminding me always that my trials are so trivial, but my hope is eternal.