Non désolé.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

I did, am doing, and will continue to do so much that hurts God and people. I don't want to. It's just part of being human. I fail and come up short again and again. In a way it's good that I keep messing up; it reminds me that I am not God. I am not perfect (just in case I forgot.. not likely). In another way it's bad, because my shortcomings hurt others. All of the people I love, and myself.

I woke up this morning at 8:45 for a 9:10 class that I have with a good friend. It was cold and I didn't want to get out of bed. My stomach was hurting. It was raining on the way to class, and as soon as I sat down I spilled coffee on all of the papers I had just been given. When I attempted to drink the remaining coffee that I had not spilled, it burned my mouth. So I proceeded to heavily sigh, not talk to my friend, and not take any notes for the rest of class (I really showed them..). I know that I need forgiveness. I needed it this morning and I need it every morning.

I think this idea of not being able to consistently do things right a lot of times is used as an excuse. It's a hopeless situation, so why even try? I will admit, I've felt this way on occasion. I want so badly to do things right and yet I knowingly walk into sin time after time. It can seem hopeless, and even more so when you feel the consequences of another's sin. When someone lets you down or hurts you.

Forgive each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Each time I read this, it just rocks me. I think about all of the things Jesus has forgiven me for. I think about all of the things he's forgiven me for that I never even apologized for. I think about all of the things I hold on to. I think about the people in my life that are difficult to forgive, and I think about how much I need people to apologize before I grant them what Jesus offers us all so freely and abundantly each and every day.

It's crazy to me. We're not talking about simple name calling or lying. Don't get me wrong we're forgiven for that too, but it's the big stuff that kills me. It's the father who is unfaithful to his wife, and tears apart his family. It's the mother who is so critical of her daughter's appearance that it drives her to an eating disorder. It's the drunk driver that hits and kills a mother and father on their way home to their children. Jesus died for them. He died to forgive them, and he died to forgive me, and he didn't hold out on us because we refused to say that we were wrong. He didn't hold out on us for fear that we would never say we were sorry.

There are people in our lives that can really hurt us. It's usually our parents, or other family members, maybe a good friend, or a significant other. It's the ones that you trust, or want badly to trust. It's the ones that you give little pieces of yourself to, never thinking that they would ever use them against you. But we all come up short. We are all incapable of continual goodness. We've all hurt someone we love, and we've all been hurt by a loved one. Why is it such a huge shock every time? And why is forgiveness always so hard?

Maybe forgiveness is supposed to be hard. Maybe by learning to forgive instead of holding grudges, we get a tiny little glimpse into how Jesus felt when he died all those years ago on the cross. Maybe it makes us more like him, not just because forgiveness is obviously something he's all about, but also because he died for the men that sentenced him to death. And maybe when we forgive people that are hard to forgive, even hard to love, we can understand the pain and frustration our savior must have felt. Maybe we can begin to understand obedience and faith being truly lived out, and maybe, just maybe we can start to reflect those things within ourselves.