Tender & Truthful.

Sad. Fruitful. Broken. True. 


I love words. They can be so powerful, so beautiful. There is so much potential in words. I get the same feeling from reading a beautifully written paragraph that I get when I listen to a good song. It can fill me up, give me hope; words have the ability to stir things, to enhance already existing feelings, even if I don't really want them too. 


2011 ends today. EEEEEEEE Ashley is getting married! One of my best friends got engaged yesterday or the day before. I don't know one of those days. They are all running together. This life is moving more and more quickly, it seems. I'm not always sure how to keep up with it. It's speeding. I want to soak it up. I want to be brave in the time I am given. I want to remember the things that matter; I want to dwell on those things. I want to love better. I want to be more kind. I want to be wise in the choices I make. 


I've never really done new years resolutions. Mainly because I've never really understood why there is this huge hype around January 1st. January 1st doesn't change things. I like to think that we can change things any day. There is nothing wrong with striving to be something better, to change, but there is also nothing magical about starting a new year. If I believe what I say I do, then I have to believe that people can change. I do believe that people can change. I guess I've always just been uncomfortable with new years resolutions, because I get this feeling that people think they can only start over when the calendar does. 


Well, I was thinking about all of this yesterday, and so in an attempt to maintain my anti-new-year-resolution-persona, I made some December 30th resolutions. Just kidding. I think resolutions are great. I think goals are good. Things to reach for are a good thing. 


I want to be softer, more tender, more kind. I want to smile more. I want to love better. I want to feel things more deeply. I guess I'll sum it up with tenderness. I like that word. I think it includes a lot of things that wouldn't really describe who I am today. I want to feel warm to people. So there it is. Tenderness. 


Honesty. One of my other, non engaged friends and I were talking the other day about relationships. All kinds of relationships. We talked about honesty and how it can be hard sometimes. I don't tend to flat out lie to people a lot. That's not really a struggle of mine (although I have done it), but I do have a hard time being honest with myself sometimes and with God. 


It's important that I take time to process, reflect, talk, dig. It's important that I do that on my own, and it's important that I have people who will help me do that. It's important that I have people who won't take ____ from me. I don't tend to straight out lie to people, but I will gloss over things, I will beat around the bush, I will make things look just a little bit more pretty than they actually are. I want to be honest. I want to be truthful. We half-jokingly, half-not made comments like, "2012 is going to be all about honesty." I like that idea of that. 


Tenderness and truthfulness. 
Truthfulness and tenderness. 


I have a long, long list of things I'd like to change someday. Right now I'm thinking about tenderness and truthfulness. Who would have thought I'd ever go for the two word exercise on my own. Looks like people really can change. 

Remember spring swaps snow for leaves.

"I know the sad feeling; it's strange that reality can take so long to hit us and when it does, boy does it hit hard...The change is scary and uncomfortable but I know that it has to happen, that it is good that it is happening, that God has plans for us, and that things always have to change if we're going to move forward to meet those plans." Erin Helmly


Phew. That was hard for me to stomach. That was hard for me to hear. Erin wrote that to me a while ago and it was hard to hear then. I just rediscovered it the other day and it hit me all over again. I am thankful for people in my life that see things differently than I do. I am thankful for people with different perspectives and different life experiences. I am thankful that I have people that can speak truth into the areas of my life that I cannot see clearly. I am thankful for the people in my life that tell me what I need to hear and not just what is easy to tell me. That was hard for me to hear, but it was good. It was right. It is right. I want to move forward to meet the plans God has for me, and things do have to change in order for that to happen. So I guess, in a roundabout way, I do want change to come. You wouldn't know that by the way I typically do things, but I know deep in me somewhere I want change to come. At least I know that I want to want it. 


But really, I fight change like it's my job. Any kind of change. I'm not exactly sure why or where it comes from. I'm sure there's some deeply rooted disfunction going on somewhere inside of me that I will explore one day, but right now all I know is that change terrifies me. There is hard change, like saying goodbye to someone or letting go of someone. There is easier change, like moving from one semester to the next, changing my schedule and what my day to day looks like. I know I've written about this before, my tendency to avoid change at pretty much any cost. I guess you could say it's a theme in my life. I think it's good for that theme to be challenged. I know it's unhealthy and I know I don't want to be like this forever, but I feel a disconnect between that desire and the ability to take action, to actually change it. 


It comes down to my desire to be in control. It comes down to my lack of faith. It comes down to the fact that I don't always believe what God says is true. 


Romans 8:28 
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 


Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


These two little gems are ingrained in my brain. Thanks Wesleyan. They are where my mind went when I started thinking about God working for my best interest. These two pieces of scripture are written on my heart, but they don't always feel true. It doesn't always feel like things are being made new, and good, like I have hope for a better future, and that is not always easy to ignore or overlook. The fact that he tells me he's working everything together for my good, the fact that he's working everything together to prosper me; why doesn't it always feel like that? What's worse is that it's so much bigger than just me. I can't look at the city I live in and see a whole lot of good being made from bad. There are so many people without a future, without hope. 


I know that I don't yet see the whole picture. I know that there's no way I could know all of the ways he is working and redeeming and making things right. I know that right now I see things like a child, like a poor reflection in a mirror and one day I will see face to face. I know that he's the weaver, not me; he's the one working all of this together to make us better, stronger, more like him, to bring justice to the world. I have this insane notion that I could do a better job if he would give me a shot. Give me the wheel for just a little while and I will make things right, at least for myself and the people around me that I love. I will make things better, happy. It sounds really dumb when I type it out, but you'd be surprised how good I am at rationalizing these things in my brain.


Things don't always feel like they are being made right, new, better. I can't always look at the painful things in my life and see the ways that Jesus is using them to bring me closer to his heart. I can't always see the ways that he is working, but I trust that he is. It doesn't always feel like the plans he has for me are good, but I trust that they are. Things don't always seem fair or just, but I trust that they will be, that he is bringing justice. 


This week has felt long. This week has felt exhausting. This week has felt overwhelming. Parts of this week have felt hopeless. Parts of this week have felt painful. Parts of this week I have felt alone and small and confused. I've come to realize that my feelings aren't always reality. They are real because I feel them, but they don't get to win, they don't get to rule in my heart. I feel these things and they seem so big in the moment, but they're just not. I am not hopeless. I am not alone. I am not small. I am not without a bright future to look towards. I believe these things, and I am thankful for people, like Erin, who speak truth into the areas of my life that I cannot see clearly, who point me back to Truth when I get distracted by my feelings.


I am loved perfectly.
I am redeemed. 
I am pursued hard everyday.
I am made new.
I never have to be without rest and peace.
I am a daughter of the king.
I never have to be without comfort.
I am forgiven. 
I have deep, deep hope.

Hey brother, we're all learning to love again.

your poker face ain't fooling nobody, nobody here

we've all felt the flame and she'd those same tears

driving home to a one man hell, still counting years, still counting years
hey brother we're all learning to love again
'cause that was the real you running through the fields of gold wide open
standing in places no picture contains
that was the real you, windows down, we could smell the mint fields crying
sing with the radio to a song we can't name
that was the real you saying, "maybe I'm not too young to be a cowboy."
hey brother, we're all learning to love again

hey brother, we're all learning to love again

making up your bed that day on a foreign floor between foreign walls
thinking 'bout the words you'd say to a phone that never calls
feel the weight of your father's ring and all those dreams, and all those
dreams
singing, hey brother, we're all learning to love again
'cause that was the real you running through the fields of gold wide open
standing in places no picture contains
that was the real you, windows down, we could smell the mint fields crying
sing with the radio to song we can't name
that was the real you saying, "maybe I'm not to young too be a cowboy."
hey brother, we're all learning to love again

I know you like i know my reflection
walking on the water 'cross an ocean of desire
everyone I know is looking for protection
trying to pull down your hometown 'cross a telephone wire
'cause that was the real you standing there in the shape of your body
fear don't know no love when we're all the same
that was the real you looking back across the water
tears falling like rain drops, rippling against the shame
that was the real you singing hallelujah, looking down a barrel
hey brother, we're all learning to love again
hey brother, we're all learning to love again

-MK

We're all learning to love again. I love that. I know I'm learning to love again, but it's not just me. We've all felt the flame and shed those same tears. All of us.

Today I read out of a devotional book that a sweet person gave me for my birthday. The first line read, "Focus your entire being on my living presence." I also read a little more more of Mark today. It was talking about how no one knows when the last day will be. The angels don't know, the Son doesn't know, the Father is the only one that knows. It talked about staying alert and being on your guard for that day.

Focusing all of me on Him sounds like a lot. If I'm honest, it sounds impossible. Being alert, being on my guard all of the time sounds about as possible to me as focusing all of my being on God's living presence. It sounds good. It sounds like something I'd like to do, but it sounds huge and unattainable.

I started thinking about the people in my life. I was thinking about the people that God has given me, my community, my world. In a lot of ways the people that I do life with are my world. They make up my days. They fill my time. The speak to me, build me up, tear me down, give to me and take from me. I started thinking about ways that I might focus on Jesus in those relationships.

That might be easy to do when we all love each other the way that we should, the way that we were made to. If we all perfectly reflected God's love to one another, it might be easy to focus on him all of the time. God placed us in relationship with one another and I know that is the way it is supposed to be, because I trust that he knows best, but I feel set up sometimes. I feel set up to be let down. There is potential for greatness in those relationships, but that potential seems overshadowed by our inevitable failure to love perfectly. We are bound to hurt one another. We are bound to fail to do the things we ought to do. What am I supposed to do with that?

I made a list of people in my life and the ways that they hurt me; it was easy to do.

I feel... failed, neglected, lied to, belittled, ignored, unimportant, distant, overlooked, misunderstood, pigeonholed. The list goes on. I feel all of those things, but more than that I realize that I have made others feel that way. I have been distant. I have been cold. I have been inconsistent. I have lied. I have been immature. I have been discouraging. We've all hurt someone. We've all done these things. We all do these things every day. We're all learning to love again.

It seems like a distraction. The ways in which I am let down and the ways that I let others down feels like a distraction. How can I be pointed in the right direction in those things? That is not a picture of how Christ loves me. That is not a reflection of this perfect love. Don't get me wrong, I have great friends. I have great people in my life that do love me well. I just mean that no one is perfect. No one can love perfectly, and I have felt tension there. If no one can love perfectly, then how am I supposed to be alert, and how am I supposed to focus all of me on all of him?

The more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that those times are beautiful opportunities. Opportunities that I so seldom choose to take. In A's failure, Jesus succeeds. In B's neglect, Jesus tends to my every want and need. In C's lies, Jesus is truth. In D's distance, Jesus is always with me. In E's inconsistencies, Jesus is constantly pursuing me. In each and every worldly letdown, my savior fills me. He steps in where my world steps out. He completes the things that those I love cannot. He cares for me. He loves me so well. So well. He wants what is best for me, and I trust that. I believe that. I will hold on to that. I will find rest in that. I will find freedom and joy there. That's where it's at, yo.

No one has is all down. We're all learning to love again. If we're living and we're honest, we're all experiencing pain and we're all causing pain. I wouldn't ask for that to change, because those are the times that we learn, that we grow. I would just ask for the capability to not let those opportunities slide by. I want to take advantage of opportunities to see my father's greatness, his perfect love, his perfect pursuit of me. I never want to overlook that. I never want that to become trite.

"... but the end is still to come."

Mark 13:5-8

Jesus said to them: "Watch out that no one deceives you. Many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am he,' and will deceive many. When you hear of wars and rumors of wars, do not be alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains.

The end is still to come. I want to live each day as if I actually believed that. I want to live each day with the hope of an end far greater than anything I could imagine. When things hurt, when I am angry, when I am frustrated or upset, I want to be pointed back to this truth: the end is still to come.

It's hard to live with that perspective. I can't even imagine a beautiful end to such a messy story, my story. I see things in me that I don't like. I hate the things about myself that hold me back from loving well, that keep me from being honest, that push me into fear, that take away my joy, my hope. These things seem big. They seem overwhelming in the sense that I can't understand them fully and also in the sense that I can't fix them. I can't make them better. I look at the things within me that hold me back, and I want to give up. I want to call it quits, because there is no way I am going to figure out how to handle those things, and even if I did, there's no way I could manage the pain that would be necessary to do that.

That sucks. I really hate that. I really hate that a lot. That feeling of hopelessness. That feeling of weight pushing down on me. That feeling is there. It's there and more than anything I want to deal with it. I don't want it to go away without me learning from it. I want to be better because of it. I don't want it to go to waste. And I don't think it will.

I don't think that a single tear goes unused. I think that our God is bigger than that. I think that he knows what's best for me. I have hope in that. Even in the midst of pain, there is hope that our hurt can make us more like Jesus. When things don't play out in my timeline, when I seem to be failing over and over again to do what I so desperately need to do, when that last little sliver of hope seems to be fading away, I want to remember that the end is still to come. God, I want to remember that on my darkest days, because that makes me want to be brave. That makes me want to trust in eternal things, and not just what I can see now. That makes me want to smile. That is where my joy is found. That is where peace is. That is where the strength to do good, to do right has to come from.

I get the image from the Passion of the Christ when Jesus' foot comes down on the serpent's head. I want to hold on to that image, always.

The end is still to come. I know that. I know it, and I really do believe it. I really do. I want to believe it with the choices that I make everyday. I have so much to hope in, so much to look forward to, so much to be thankful for. The end is still to come and the end is just the beginning. How cool is it that I get to know that? How comforting is it that I get to be a part of that end? I am thankful for that comfort. I am thankful for the confidence that I can find in that truth.

OUR GSO.

Today was the final day of OUR GSO, the project we have been planning all summer long. It's over. We're done. It feels so weird. I expect to have to get up in the morning and go fill up the water cooler for the day, but I won't have to. I don't think I like that.

Monday we painted at Foust Elementary.

Tuesday we had a neighborhood pick up in the morning, and a furniture drive (CWS)/food drive (Lindley Backpack Program) in the afternoon.

Wednesday afternoon (and Friday) we volunteered with Welfare Reform and then had a cookout at Lindley.

Thursday we worked at the Newcomers School in the morning and hung out with some refugee families in the afternoon playing soccer and eating snow cones.

Today (Saturday) we worked on some projects at Lindley Elementary and had a big cookout afterwards.

It's been a busy week. I am tired. My body is ready for a rest. But I'm also kind of sad it's over. I'm going to miss everyone coming together every day to work alongside each other. I am going to miss painting and gardening and talking to people. I am going to miss the hard work, because it was so rewarding. It feels good to know that I've accomplished something tangible this week, and it's felt good to see our church body unify under one cause this week. I've loved watching everyone serve. Our people are great. I love them. And the people of this city are great. I've loved getting to see more of them this week.

Thank you for your prayers this week. Thank you for your encouragement and support. We had a great week, and I am sad that it is behind us.

Tomorrow is Sunday. Sunday will be like any usual Sunday. Then Monday comes, and the interns plus Todd and Michael are going to Washington D.C. for a few days as our debriefing trip. Sad that things are ending, but happy and excited for the time we have left!

Last office day.

I wrote this part on Thursday:

Today is our last normal day in the office. We still have about two more weeks of the internship, but next week we will be all over the place for OUR GSO and the following week we are heading to DC for some debriefing and and museums and lots and lots of fun. It's strange. I feels like I'll be back here on Monday, but I won't. It feels like I still have a lot of stuff I need to do, people to email, but I really don't. Really, I haven't done a most of my work during "office hours" anyway. When we're all here, we end up talking, watching youtube videos, and other distracting things. Maybe that's why it feels like I'll be back for more. Maybe that's why I can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that this is the last time we will all be here working together. I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss it because it's comfortable and I like routine, but I'm also going to miss it because I love it here. I love these people, I love how we've set up all of our little work areas, I love that I know I am going to be freezing whenever I'm here and I always have to bring some kind of sweater. I love watching the cats that live in the storm drain outside, I love the dum dum craze that we've been on all summer, I love the time we've gotten to spend together here. Who would have thought that I would miss working in an office? Not me.

Today is Saturday. Tomorrow is Sunday. Then Monday comes and we begin our hectic week of OUR GSO. It's what we've been planning for so long. Our tshirts came in and they are great, at least we think so. I'm excited. I can't wait. I know it's going to fly by though. Whenever I feel the end of something approaching, I always wish I could slow down time, hold on to moments a little longer. Trying to stay present, instead of looking ahead so much. We still have a big week of work, and I am excited and I want to be fully here each and every minute of it.

This week was fun. It was good. I liked it a lot. Everything went so fast, but looking back, it was very full. Last Ultimate Frisbee was on Monday. I will miss that time. I will miss hanging out on the sidelines and talking and cheering on the players. It's a restful time for me, because I don't play. I get to just hang out and be with whoever is sitting there with me. I've grown to like it a lot.

We got to have dinner with the Phipps family on Tuesday night. They live really close to Lindley, the school where we meet, and they are awesome. They have two little boys, Kai and little baby Blayze. Hilarious, adorable kids. It was fun to hear them talk about their relationship, how different they are, and how it kind of works because they are so different. They are fun people. I'm glad they're at Hope. Wednesday, we had our last dinner at the Kimbroughs. They have a really crazy story as well. Tripp proposed to Anna shortly after being diagnosed with brain cancer. And they have two little ones. Their oldest, Ella, wasn't there, but cute little Houston entertained us all. He told us about what he wants his wife to be like. He also went for a quick little swim with all of his clothes on. So cute.

I will miss the dinners. I will miss being fed so well, but I'll also miss the wisdom, insight, and stories we got to enter into each time we visited a new home. It was a really precious time. I'm not sure I realized how valuable it was until they ended. It was a lot to have two dinners every week, but I learned so much from these people.

Yesterday, Griffins's dad took all of us interns to see the last Harry Potter movie. Then, later that night, the five of us plus my friend Kayla, played hide and go seek in the dark. I love that we are all still kids at heart. I never want that to fully leave me.

Church tomorrow. Only three more Sundays left.

Everything moves again.

Remember a while ago I titled a post, "Everything Moves?" I think I did and I think I included lyrics from this song I like that talks about all of the things we pursue in this life and how none of it is constant, none of it can sustain us the way that Jesus can. It starts off talking about being a child and ends talking about being old and something about having brittle bones. It talks about all of the in between places and how we chase after all of these things, thinking that they will bring us life, happiness, joy, hope, and they do. They do bring us these things for a while, at least some of them do, but they all fade. They all wither and die. They all pass. They all move.

This weekend the reality of this summer ending, me going back to state, and starting my senior year has kind of hit me. I'd like to hide from it for a little longer, and perhaps I will, but it's there in the back of my mind waiting to be thought about. I know it's coming. I'm trying to live in the moment, but I can't help but look a few weeks ahead. I can't help but look to see what's around the corner. And it's hard.

Right now I can point to many things in my life that I am chasing after, and I can tell you that they are good, they are bringing me life, and so for me to think about changing and going after different things is scary. One, because I like the things I have right now. I like the people. I like this place. I am growing. I am better than I was when I got here. Two, because change terrifies me. Going back to school won't be that bad. I've got a routine there, but college is almost over. What? Never, ever did I think I would reach the day when I was really, really in the real world. That's a lot of change. A lot a lot a lot.

I know it's good for me to feel like this. Discomfort does not equal bad. It's good for this insecurity to be challenged, because it's not right. Change can be good. It is good a lot of the time. I never even give it a chance. I know through this change I will be forced once again to lean on the one who doesn't change or move.

I pray that as I finish up this summer, move into school life, and then eventually move into whatever comes after school life I would go after the things that bring me life, knowing always that I have a solid, unshakeable ground to stand on that will not, can not, and does not move.

you are a tree always in bloom

you are a hall of endless rooms

a living fountain springing up

I'm satisfied but never done

I'm never done

with you

Catch up.

It's been a while since I've written. Several weeks. If anyone is reading, I am sorry for slacking off. In all honesty, I've missed writing. I like doing this. It helps me process things from day to day. It forces me to look at the things I have been a part of since the last time I wrote, and really decide how I felt about it, what I liked, what I didn't like, what was hard, what was easy. It's a good exercise, I think.

I wrote last about getting medicine from the doctor. I finished the second round of antibiotics, and things seemed to be feeling good, but my test results came back and it was not an infection like they thought it was. I'm feeling ok and just hoping that it doesn't creep back again.

Three Tuesdays ago we got to have dinner with the Donovans. Ashley, Danny and little baby Canaan. Ashley was my small group leader in high school. I loved getting to go over there and share with my intern family these people that have meant so much to me over the years. It was a comfortable, sweet time for me. We ate dinner and just hung out for a while. I always love time spent with Ash so of course this was no different.

After the Donovans we headed to the Grieves the following night for a fun, engaging night of hamburgers, games, and good conversation. I've known the Grieves for a while and they always manage to make me feel extremely welcome and wanted and just good. It was a good night for all of us I think. We sat outside and talked for a long time.

Have I talked about the youth camping trip we went on yet? I don't think I have. And I think it occurred on the Thursday after dinner with the Grieves. I may be wrong about that though. Regardless, we took about 15 of the youth camping a few weeks ago. I am not in charge of planning youth stuff (that's all Erin and Matt), so really I just kind of showed up and partook in all the fun. We got to swim in the creek, cook over the fire, create a huge bonfire, learn some dances, sing some songs, and enjoy each other. We have some pretty incredible kids in our church. They are all pretty great, actually. It's crazy how God puts us together, how there can be so many different personalities, so many different ages and places in life, but we all bring something different to the table, we all contribute to the youth group of Hope Chapel in a unique and important way. I am thankful for the time that I have gotten to spend with the youth. I am amazed at the amount they have taught me about community and love. These kids are legit.

I am finding that the things I love about being here are totally different than last year, and the things I'm struggling to have a good attitude about are different. I love my team. I love the other interns. I love working with them and hanging out with them and knowing them. I love that we're all so different, because diversity is good, because it means I'm leaning stuff about them and about myself. I've felt more of that team-ness than last year. I've felt loved and valued and cared for in a way that didn't exist before. I've felt known and understood and I like it. I like it more than I ever thought I would.

We've had a few other dinners since the last time I wrote (I will try not to get this far behind again). We ate with the Crawfords and the Norths one week. The Crawfords house always feels like a big party. They are just really good about opening their home to people and making them feel welcome. It was a fun night. More delicious food, of course, and lots of good questions asked. Kenny is a vet and allowed the other four interns to play with his two snakes at the end of the night. I did not partake. The Norths was a fun night for me. I lived with them last summer, so it was fun and strange to be back for dinner. We ate out on their awesome screened in back porch that I love and they introduced us to the game, "scum," after dinner. It was an intense card game. Luckily, my noncompetitive nature keeps me sane when I play games like this one. I started out doing really well and by the end of the game I had nothing.

The youth event two weeks ago was board games and dessert. We had it at the Weatherlys (where I am living). Erin and Matt baked a ton of yummy treats and all the kids brought their favorite board games. I lost in blokus about 10 times. But it was a fun night. I think the kids enjoyed it. By the end of the night, we had a huge crowd around the tv watching people play just dance on the wi (hilarious game).

This past week we got to eat with the Henrys and with Todd. The Henrys are awesome. They talked to us for a long time about the mission of Hope Chapel and Project Hope and what that would look like to be played out more so in the future. It was encouraging and kind of a little bit of a reality check as we get closer and closer to OUR GSO. In a time when I was getting really caught up in the details of planning and the tediousness of everything, they reminded me why I am here and what we are trying to accomplish. It was a sweet reminder, plus we got to experience the Michael Jackson experience on the wi. So fun. Dinner at Todds was fun too. It felt casual, like we were just hanging out. I didn't feel like anything was really expected of me. I felt free to be there and just be honest about how I was feeling. I wasn't trying to impress anyone or act a certain way. It just felt like there were less expectations on me than other dinner nights. We talked and played a board game involving estimating. It was fun. I was tired, but it was fun and I was thankful for the casual atmosphere.

That brings us to this thursday night, when we had a cookout and water games night organized by the lovely youth pastors, Erin and Matt. It was a fun night. Hamburgers and water guns. What more could a kid want? We had a sweet time all together before all the kids left. We all were sitting together and answering questions that Matt had come up with beforehand. It was sweet. They looked just like a real life youth group. So encouraging.

The past three weeks, more than anything, have felt busy. When I have had time to do stuff like update the blog, I have chosen to sleep instead. That is a big prayer request as we reach the final stretch of the internship. Pray for perseverance, for strength and energy to do things and to do them well. Also for me to make time to be still, even when that's hard to do that I would find a way to make that a priority, because I need it in order to do my work well. We have one more normal week and then OUR GSO. How did this all happen so quickly? I'm sad that it's ending. I'm sad that I have to leave soon.

I am fighting to stay open, open like a lake.

Got more medicine from the doctor. Seems to be clearing up. I'll know for sure what it was when my test results come back sometime in the next few days.

Peace Haven is a really cool place. We got to work in the garden, and on a few other projects around the farm. A bunch of us got to go see where the chickens, ducks, and sheep live. We collected the eggs, and fed the sheep. It was a good morning. It was fun, but we also got things done. We had a potluck lunch before we all went home to crash for the afternoon.

Interns minus Matt watched Inglourious Basterds Saturday night. The boys all love it. Griffin says that it is his favorite movie. They quote it all the time. So Erin and I finally caved and agreed to watch it. Erin loved it too. I think I'm the only one that didn't love it. I'm glad I saw it, but I probably won't ever watch it again, and I probably won't ever quote it. I guess I get why people like that kind of stuff, but it's just not really my style. There were some funny parts, but overall, just not my thing.

Sunday we didn't have to arrive until 9:15! Woo! Since school is out for the summer now, we get to keep the crates inside and don't have to bring them in the trailer every week. It shaves a little bit of time off of our weekly Sunday morning routine. This week Todd preached about peace. I liked it a lot. I took notes. I listen better when I do that. I joined the Lindley Park Community Group for music in the park at Friendly Sunday night. It was fun. There were just bands playing and we got to hang out, listen, eat, and get coldstone afterwards.

Today we met to talk through more planning stuff for OUR GSO. I'm not as overwhelmed. Things are starting to come together. Days are being pieced together. We're getting to the planning of the details and thinking about promotion and tshirts and fun stuff like that. It's not as scary as it was a few weeks ago, because it doesn't seem as big. We are slowly but surely making progress.

I listened to this song today. I liked it a lot. It spoke to a lot of things that I have been struggling with lately. I pray that I would be open like a lake.

so much hurt and preservation

like a tendril round my soul

so much painful information

no clear way on how to hold it

when everything in me is tightening

curling in around this ache

I will lay my heart wide open

like the surface of a lake

wide open like a lake

standing at this waters edge

looking in at God's own heart

I've no idea where to begin

to swallow up the way things are

everything in me is drawing in

closing in around this pain

I will lay my heart wide open

like the surface of a lake

wide open like a lake

bring the wind and bring the thunder

bring the rain till I am tired

when it's over bring me stillness

let my face reflect the sky

and all the grace and all the wonder

of a peace that I can't fake

wide open like a lake

everything in me is tightening

curling in around this ache

I am fighting to stay open

I am fighting to stay open

open open oh wide open

open like a lake

Quick week.

I am going to the doctor later this afternoon.

Tuesday we had the honor of getting to have dinner with the Phillips. It was really awesome and encouraging to get to hear part of their story. I am amazed each time we get to interact with a different family of how different each family actually is. I love hearing people's stories. I love hearing about how they got to where they are now, because if they don't tell me about it, then I just assume things and when I assume things I am probably wrong, and then I miss out on the truth. I am thankful for Tim and Kate's willingness to be honest and open with us. They even let us tour every nook and cranny of their house, including (but not limited to) their attic. Literally, every single meal we have eaten has been amazing too. We had this great salad and baked spaghetti with yummmy bread.

Wednesday we got to have chicken pot pie with the York family. Also, delicious! I am in Community Group with the Yorks, but it was fun to get to hang out with them and see them from a slightly different perspective. I got to hear some of their story that I did not know. Their son, Calvin, sang us one of the most recent songs he has written, and Silas read us a few of his poems. I love their creativity and eagerness to share. We sat on the back patio and ate ice cream cake for a while after dinner. It was nice. It felt refreshing, encouraging, and comfortable.

I'm already realizing how much I am going to miss all of these people when I have to leave this place.

Yesterday, before we had make-your-own-pizza-night with the youth, Patrick and I met with Michael to talk through the last four chapters of Generous Justice. It was so much stuff, and really really overwhelming in a lot of ways, but also exciting. It is good, good stuff. You all should read it. I am exciting about getting started on the curriculum we are writing. We will start that this coming week. There definitely is not a lack of material. I think what will be most challenging is deciding what we want to focus on, and what we want to leave out. There is so much good stuff in there.

Pizza night was awesome. I would say that it was a huge success. It was fun. Nearly 20 kids came out. We had 18 youth, I think. Seriously, I didn't even know that there were that many kids in our church. So that's crazy awesome. We made pizza, cooked the pizza (which took a little longer than we would have hoped), and played outside (swing, basketball, bean toss...). I had a lot of fun, and I think the kids did too.

This week has been great. It's been much more organic in regards to our team dynamic. It's been busy, but it's gone by super fast. I do need to be more intentional about taking time to slow down, because it's not going to happen on its own.

My Community Group is going to work at Peace Haven Farm tomorrow morning. I'm really excited to get to go out there and see what it's like. We are planning on partnering with them one day during OUR GSO, and I get to talk to them tomorrow about that too. They are a working farm, or on their way to being a working farm. It is going to be a place where people with disabilities can come, live, and contribute to the farm. They haven't launched yet, but are working hard to get there. It really is a beautiful mission that they have.

Today felt good.

I need to be better about waking up earlier. That is a prayer request. I want to have time in the morning to start the day of being still, but the past few days I have woken up with five frantic minutes to get ready and race out the door. We don't even have to be anywhere super early most days, so I really have no excuse.

My back has started hurting again, and I had to pee like a million times today sooooo I am going to call the doctor tomorrow and try to get an appointment so hopefully I can take care of whatever this is. I took a round of antibiotics a few weeks ago and it seemed to be on the way to feeling normal again, but I feel it coming back. My thing is that it doesn't really hurt that bad. I feel like in order for me to do something about it I need to be in real pain, which is so dumb. Something is not right in my body, and I need to take care of it.

I want to thank all of you who have emailed me, texted me, called me, even those of you that have just prayed for me. I feel your prayers. I kind of don't really like it when people say that sometimes, because I'm not always sure what it means, but I will explain what I mean by it. I have felt very loved and cared for. I feel you guys loving me and supporting me. I feel lifted up, and cherished. I feel God reminding me that I am here as part of his plan, that I have things to offer. I feel affirmed. Thank you for your encouragement, and for every way shape and form it has appeared.

I rolled into the office around 11 today. We are supposed to get Monday mornings off as kind of a break after the marathon that is Sunday. Matt was just finishing reading the Book of Common Prayer for the day. He's been reading it out loud each day to us. I like it. I got a lot done in the office today. I was only there for about an hour and a half, but I got caught up on emailing, organized some filing stuff, nailed down a few scheduling things for this week, and did some reading. It was great.

We had a meeting with all of us interns plus Michael to talk about OUR GSO after lunch. Things are finally starting to come together. It's getting to the point where we know enough that it's real and exciting and stuff is starting to mold and form into what the week will look like, but at the same time there is still a ton to do, plan, organize and just a lot to do in general that I am overwhelmed. So overall, excited and overwhelmed, maybe more of an excited overwhelmed. I am glad that we all get to work together. We are united on this project. No one is left to do anything alone. There is comfort there. It makes it more doable. July 18th-24th. Mark your calendars. It's going to be awesome.

Monday night = ultimate frisbee. Halfway through the night we got kicked off of the field we were playing on by UNCG campus police. Whoops. We packed up and moved over to a different field, more like a lawn in front of some building on campus. Slightly annoying that we can't really seem to get permission to use any of the fields on campus, but it turned out fine. Thankfully, it wasn't so hot this evening, and there seemed to be more shade on the field we moved to. I would say it was a successful night.

Today felt good. I felt like I got a lot done. I felt like I had some good conversations. I felt like I had a good balance of everything. I think it's good to have these days, especially after having so many intense ones in a row. It feels good to know that things don't have to be so emotionally overwhelming everyday. I don't know, maybe it's me retreating a little bit, but I don't really feel like that's the case. I think that today all of the stuff I have been carrying around with me was still there, it was still real, but it didn't have to be so heavy today. I could have it be there, and not have it be quite so overbearing or overwhelming. I wasn't hiding from it or trying to hide it from everyone around me, and I think that stripped it of some of it's power. Maybe not. All I know is that today felt good, and I am thankful for that.

You have calmed greater waters, and higher mountains have come down.

Last Wednesday we got to have dinner with the Van Patters. Michael is the worship director and Hannah is his wife. They have a daughter, Piper. She is one of the cutest little babies out there. We were treated to homemade pizza (yuuum). After dinner we played games and hung out. It really is a sweet deal we have with all of these free meals and awesome hangout time we get to have with all of these great people. I am thankful for Tuesday and Wednesday night dinners. It is encouraging to me each time we are welcomed into someone's home. It just feels too good to be true. These people sure do know how to love us.

Thursday night we had our second youth event of the summer. Matt, Erin, Patrick and I took 14 of Hope Chapel's youth to paint pottery (most of us made father's day gifts). It was really, really awesome. I felt like everyone got into in and ended up having fun. Erin and I painted our "summer father" a Duke tile. Walker, our host dad, went to Carolina, but is a huge Duke fan. We don't get it, but we are happy to have a fan of anyone except Chapel Hill around (by we I mean me, because Erin doesn't really care).

Friday I got to hang out with Ashley D and sweet baby Canaan (Ashley is my small group leader from high school who now has a baby). We took Canaan to the pool and talked and ate cherries. I love her. I am so thankful for her. I know that I can count on her to give me good advice, to tell me when I'm being dumb, to encourage me, to hold me accountable, to speak truth to me. Watching her cute little family grow, and watching her love so well gives me hope.

Super 8 was so so good. Griffin, Erin and I went and saw it Saturday afternoon. We had originally wanted to go at 12 (when we thought the earliest showing was), but we got there and were informed that the movie didn't actually start until 2 so we had a few hours to kill. It ended up actually being really, really good. We went and got frozen yogurt, and just sat outside and talked. We talked about the types of music we like and our frozen yogurt preferences, but we also talked about some good stuff - our hopes for the summer and our hopes for our relationships with each other. We are all eager to get to know one another, to learn how to best love one another, but we all also have fears, insecurities, brokenness and trust issues. It's harder than just saying, "I want to know you and I want you to know me." I am grateful for these people I am working with. I ask that Jesus would show us how to care for each other, that he would be at the center of the way we talk to one another, the way we work together, the way we build our relationships. Help us to know the right way to do things. Wrap us up in your peace, father, that we might know your love first, and that our love for each other would be in response to your heart.

With another week gearing up to being tomorrow (really today), I am excited. I am excited and anxious, because I am afraid I might not make the best of every opportunity I am given. I want to make the best of them all. I shared with my community group a little bit about how tired I have been feeling recently. Last week was just really emotionally taxing. I hope that this week will be the same. I am ready to be tired, because I am ready to deal with this junk instead of letting it fester. I am ready to walk into the sorrow, so that I may unlock the fullness of joy Jesus offers me. I am thankful that I am here, with these people, in this place for this season. Lord, give me the strength to be honest and real. Give me the strength to love when it's hard. Give me a heart for the hurting. If nothing else, my prayer for this week is that he would make me more like himself.

Again I say, "I can't wait to see what he has in store for us this summer. I pray that I would be open and willing to go down whatever road her leads me to."

Week dos.

Do I wish that things were easy? That is the question I am asking myself at the end of today. It is Tuesday. It feels like it should be at least Thursday. This week I feel like I have crammed a whole weeks worth of things into two little days. We have a lot of stuff going on that we are planning for our week of service at the end of July. We have a lot going on in the coming days and weeks that we are preparing for. We have a lot relationally going on as we continue to feel out how our team is going to work together. I have a lot on my mind just having to do with conversations and things I have talked about with people. My body isn't that tired today, but my brain is, my heart is. Our weeks are full. They are full of things needing to get done but they are also fully of love. We have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to love one another and ourselves. How to care for the families that we interact with and how to care for each other. There's no other way to put it. Days turn into weeks and the weeks just feel very full.

I had my first counseling session today. I love it and hate it so much. I'm glad that I am here and I wouldn't trade this experience for anything, but today was hard. Sitting in that room and being honest about where I am and how I am doing was hard. A huge prayer request that I have would be for my willingness to be vulnerable, to be real with people, to be honest.

We had dinner with another family from the church tonight. We really are so lucky that we get to hang out and break bread with these beautiful families each week. Tonight we went out to eat with the Bryants. They have two adorable little kids. I was coming into the dinner with a cloud over my head. I had a really intense counseling session and then a worship debrief meeting (where I was so distracted that I maybe said one thing the entire time) and pretty shortly after that we went to dinner. My mind had just been going since my meeting with Todd. I was processing and bouncing things around up there. I was just replaying everything that we talked about, and then all of the sudden I was expected to talk to these people I'd never really met before. I was struggling to be there fully. But I sat next to their daughter, Davis, and I got to talk to her throughout the meal. I love talking to little kids. I love where their minds go. I wish I still had some of that innocence or ignorance or whatever it is that makes kids so cute and great and awesome. After we had all eaten most of our meal, Davis asked me if she could sit in my lap. Duh. That adorable little child cuddled up on my lap made me feel so close to God's love. She gave me love so freely. She was so interested to hear about what my favorite color was and what I want to be when I grow up (she wants to be a cooker aka a chef). I couldn't have asked for a better way for God to remind me of what I am called to and how much he loves me. And I think that's where I will find my answer to that question. Do I wish this was easy? If you had asked me a few hours ago, I probably would have said yes, but I get to learn and grow closer to God's love through the intensity and through the uncertainties and through the hard stuff. Tonight I am thankful for the hard stuff, and for the support and relief Jesus provides in the most unlikely places.

We had some really great intern hang out time after dinner. I really love these guys a lot.

Weekend.

The power is out at the Weatherly's house/my house.

I am thankful for the weekend. I am thankful for free time, and the opportunity to create my own schedule. Greensboro is a cool place. It's big enough that there is stuff to do, but it's not so big that I feel lost or swallowed up. Friday a bunch of us went to see the new xmen movie. I love all of the xmen movies, like a lot. I don't know what it is about them. I've alway been captivated by the science fiction/fantasy genre. I'm not sure how it happened, but I love that kind of stuff. The movie wasn't my favorite of the series, but I liked it nonetheless. Give me anything with mutant humans who have special powers and I'll probably love it. I got to go to First Friday downtown later on Friday night. I know we have it in Raleigh, but I've never been. It was really cool. There are art galleries and shops stay open later. There was live music and a little indie market. It was really fun. so many people were hanging out downtown. It was just cool. I liked the atmosphere.

Saturday I woke up early (at least early for a Saturday) and headed to the lake. There is a group of us who have been going to the lake since forever ago. I started going in the mid to late high school years, but they were going long before I got here. One of my best friends from high school, Kat, has a lake house where we used to go spend a week every summer. Now we are all older and have jobs and responsibilities. We're lucky if we can coordinate one day where we all can make it. There are eight of us that used to go in high school. Four of us made it out to Badin Lake on Saturday. We missed those that couldn't come. I can't really even explain how grateful I am for those three girls I got to spend the day with. Abby, Sarah, Kat and I go back to the Wesleyan days. These girls know me like no one else. They have seen me at my absolute worst, and somehow they still manage to show me love and compassion. We've hurt each others feelings so many times it's hard to believe we can still stand each other, but there's God's grace in action. They all love me so well. They know my strengths, they know my weaknesses, they know my heart, my hurts, they really know it all. I am so grateful for that day with them. For their hearts, their honesty, their laughs, their stories. I pray for my beautiful friends. That Jesus would fill each of them up every morning. That he would make known in their hearts his abounding love for each of them. That as we all do separate things this summer, he would use our relationships to make us stronger, to refresh us, to give us examples of his love and grace. Such an encouraging, restful, fun day on the lake.

Sunday was loooong. I got up early and met my brother and his girlfriend for breakfast before getting to the church to help setup. So good to get to spend some time with my little brother. I miss him. I got to hang out with the elementary school kids in Sunday school while the service was going on, so I didn't get to hear the sermon, but I did get to hang out with the kids. I love their energy. We (interns) started working on a promotional video for the OUR GSO week at the end of July after church. We did stuff with that until we all had to part and go to Community Group.

After Community Group I came back to the Weatherly's house and thought about watching tv (which I haven't done in ages) but right when I sat down on the couch the power blew out. So I wrote some of this and then went to sleep (at 10pm). I was tired.

Keep me ever trusting, resting.

It is Friday, which means that it is my day off. We get Fridays and Saturdays off. I slept in today. I love sleep way too much.

The past few days have been encouraging to me. They have been full of kind, uplifting words from people that I love. They have been full of sweet moments with people that have known me forever, and people I have only just met. I have been exhausted in every sense of the word, but I wouldn't go back and change they way any of it played out.

I was feeling pretty drained after the first few days of this week. I think just being around the same people all of the time, and not ever being able to escape to the comfort of people that already know, get, and accept me. It was hard for me to be, in a sense, trapped like that. I have nothing against these people, and I have only the utmost respect for them and I desire to know them better, but it was getting overwhelming, especially because of the nature of this internship. It is very relationally focused; we are not just working alongside of each other, we are working to dig into each others lives and build deep relationships. I am all for that. I think it's great, but in order for that to happen (at least for me) I have to have time alone and I have to have time where I get reinforced by already existing healthy relationships. I need that to be able to process all the other stuff. I've gotten those things over the past few days, and I am thankful it was possible. I am thankful for the old and the new people. I hope I can do a better job of taking care of myself in the weeks to come.

Wednesday nights this summer we get to have dinner with a different elder from the church and their family. This week we kicked things off with the Osborne family. They prepared for us a huge, delicious meal. Instead of all giving our brief "autobiography" we each told about the person we were sitting next to. It was a fun way to do it. I liked it. After dinner, we played Banana Grams. I'd never played before. It's basically just speed scrabble. It was really fun! We hung out and talked and just had another relaxing, fun night.

Yesterday I got a good bit of work done in the morning. I missed the first youth event (which I'm told ended up going quite well) to go and see Calvin's school play. Calvin is an elementary schooler who is in my community group. He was prince charming in his schools production of Cinderella. It was so cute!!! I wish I had a picture to post on here of his sweet little prince outfit! He was the best prince charming I have ever seen! So, so glad I could go.

I'm trying to be more honest with myself, others, and God.

I'm trying to stand on solid things that don't change, instead of my usual wiggly, rickety things.

I'm trying to remember and find confidence in the only opinion of me that matters.

I'm also trying to smile more often.

Go Go Go.

We had our first dinner with a family from the church last night. We get to have a meal with a different family each week. It's a pretty sweet deal. It was awesome though. We just hung out and talked and ate and relaxed. It's refreshing to be invited into people's homes again and again and to be loved and cared for so well. I hope we did a good job of caring for them as well. It's crazy how different each family is (something that I realized last year and am beginning to pick up again). They all have their own way of doing things. Everyone has their own routine, preferences, and way of interacting with each other, but it's encouraging to me to know that even though there are so many different styles of families, there is no "right way." They are all going after the same things, just taking different approaches to get there. Different people feel loved in different ways. I'm encouraged by these people, simply because of the way they live their lives, their commitment to one another, by the way they act, and by the words that they choose to use.

Different note: I've been really frustrated with myself recently. I know I talked a little bit about it before, but I feel like it's grown, at least in my mind, as a problem. I get told that I'm hard to read, or difficult to understand in the sense that I don't wear my emotions or feelings on my sleeve. I hide things, and I'm good at it. I am definitely more introverted. I am definitely not one to spill my life to people I don't know very well. I know these things about myself and I really hate them. I wish that I was more extroverted. I wish that I could trust people more easily. I wish that it didn't take forever for me to build the foundation of a healthy relationship, and it doesn't always. It's easier for me to do with girls than it is guys. And I have grown in this area. But the growth is not as fast as I wish it was. It's a slow process. Painfully slow it seems sometimes. It makes me compare myself to others and wish that I was more like them. It makes me feel broken, or more broken than others. It makes me feel inadequate. It makes me feel stuck. It makes me feel like dead weight.

It's been kind of exhausting for me trying to keep up with everyone around me that doesn't seem to struggle in the same ways I do. I miss the comfort of worn in friendships and family. I miss the comfort and routine of school. I know that it's good for me to be challenged and taken out of that environment, but it's still hard. I feel like there are expectations on me that I can't live up to. I kind of freaked out about it last night. I called Sarah and talked to her about it and then I talked to Erin a little bit about it. I am thankful for them both, for their wisdom, their friendships, their honesty. I am thankful that I talked to them. I wouldn't have always chosen to do that. That's growth, right?

I pray that I would find rest and peace in where God has me right now. That I would take advantage of the people he has positioned in my life for this season, and that I would find contentment in his promises, knowing that he made me this way. I was not created as an extrovert, and that's ok. Yes, there is room for growth, but my personality is not a hinderance. God didn't mess up when he created any of us, and I'm not an exception to that. There is brokenness in me, but there is grace all around me, and there is a larger plan than my own.

Isaiah 55:9-13

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow

come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy

and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills

will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the field

will clap their hands.

Instead of the thorn bush will grown the juniper,

and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.

This will be for the Lord's renown,

for and everlasting sign,

that will endure forever."

Office life.

I've never really had a real job. I've always been a babysitter. Since I can remember that is what I have done. I watch other people's kids. Every summer except for the past two that is what I have done to make money. I have definitely never had an office job, but that's where I've spent a good chunk of time the past few days, in the office. This is our first "normal" week of work. Every morning our schedules start with "office hours." I'm not sure what I thought it would be like, but it's better than I was expecting. It's good to all come together and work alongside each other to begin the day. Especially with the way this internship is set up, time that we get to spend together as a team is precious. Time that we get to spend together learning how we all work, think, and just do life is valuable for us collectively as we learn to better love one another, and also individually as we find our place on this team, develop our strengths and realize areas of weakness, where we need encouragement and help.

Even though we all have separate things going on, separate projects, separate life happenings, separate goals and hopes, it is comforting to be close to my team. To know that even though we are all so different, we all have common ground to stand on, firm, unmovable common ground. And I need them to remind me of that sometimes. I pray that as I continue this summer, I would work to actively engage my teammates. That I wold strive to know their hearts, but also to let them into mine. I'm not the best at that. It's ok to show weakness and vulnerability. I need to constantly be reminding myself of that.

Outside of the office, we had our first Ultimate Frisbee of the summer last night. A good number of people came out to play, and I am also thankful for the others that came out to watch and hang out on the sidelines. It was really, really, really hot. I don't know how they played for two straight hours. We enforced lots of water breaks, but still the heat was killer. It was a good first week though.

More days.

I stayed up last night writing this whole thing out and then went to post it and I lost service or something. It didn't work. I will try again. Saving more often this time around.

Monday morning we left for Boone. We is the five interns plus Todd (pastor) and Michael (worship director). Todd and I both drove. I followed him. Crazy driver. We arrived at this cute cute cute little cabin on the side of a mountain positioned right next to a cute little pond. It really was just so cute. Classic mountain cabin. Erin and I got the cool upstairs loft to ourselves, complete with our own bathroom (one of the many perks of being "the girls").

The ride up there was fine, but I felt off, just not good. Once we got there this annoying feeling continued to grow. It was like I was with all of these awesome people, in this beautiful place and I wanted to be anywhere else. It wasn't anything anyone had done. It was just me feeling pressure, anxiety, it was just me believing the lies Satan tells me.

I felt small. I felt my confidence blow away. I felt cheap, like I wasn't worth enough to be there, like I had nothing to offer. I was having flashbacks to last summer when I started the internship. Not vivid flashbacks to particular times spent, more like feelings that reminded me of feelings I have had in the past. I didn't like it. It felt like after all of the progress I have made over the past year, I had regressed right back to square one.

I really really hated it on the one hand, but on the other hand it was a sweet reminder. It humbled me and reminded me that it is by the grace of God that I have made any progress whatsoever. It reminded me that my identity, my confidence, and my voice all come from above. They are gifts my father has given me, and without him I couldn't be who I want to be, I couldn't know what I know, and I certainly couldn't grow in my understanding of either of those things. So I am glad that my insecurities haunt me. I am glad that Satan temps me with self pity and self contempt, because he won't win. He's already lost, and I get to grow closer to Jesus when he tempts me. I get to know the goodness of my dad more and more. For that I will happily walk through these dumb insecurities. For that I will hold onto the hope of a day when all of this is made right, and I will live today in the knowledge of that day's coming.

Things got better the more time we spent together in Boone. We had plenty of time to spend in conversation with God, and we had plenty of time to spend in community with each other. We talked about our hopes and expectations for the summer. We made goals and shared our fears and anxieties we have going into the internship. We did some hiking, ate some good food, jammed out to some John Mayer in the car rides, and just got to know each other all a little better. It was a sweet time for us to spend as a team.

Returning to Greensboro felt right. It felt good. It felt like home. Being here, driving these roads, spending time in these places that I love is making me more and more excited about the work we get to do this summer. We got back Wednesday afternoon, and all went our separate ways to spend some time with our host families (who I love). The Weatherlys, Erin, and I watched Scotty win American Idol! Woo Woo!

Thursday was our first day in the office. We spent a good bit of the day just setting things up. We made some trips to Office Depot, Target, and a few others. We set up our office mailboxes, and rearranged some furniture so that we will all have space to work. We were all really just settling in and starting to set up some of our meetings for the weeks to come. It's an exciting feeling to actually have an office space. I never worked in the office last year, so that will be a change for me.

It feels good to be here. I feel God moving in our team and in me. I can't wait to see what he has in store for us this summer. I pray that I would be open and willing to go down whatever road her leads me to.

Day 1.

I am thinking about documenting my summer on here in a more regular way than I usually blog about my life. I journal a lot. I write a lot. I like doing it, but the idea of blogging about my life daily or weekly in a public way has always kind of freaked me out. On the other hand, I am working for a Church this summer, and I have a lot of people who are supporting me on this journey financially, prayerfully, emotionally, and other ______lly ways too. The thought of them knowing specifically what I am doing, who I am working with, what I am struggling with, where I am doing well, my fears, my joys, my life, this excites me. It makes me feel a little less alone. And if I can tell them about it through written words, it will sound better, more eloquent, and probably just make a lot more sense. So I'll try it out. See how it goes.

My hope is that by making myself more vulnerable I will, in the long run actually make myself less vulnerable. Explanation: It scares me to write about myself on this blog. I am afraid people will actually read it. I am afraid I will sound dumb. I am afraid people will see how dumb I sound. To me, all that makes me feel vulnerable. My hope is that these things will happen, people will read it, people will see what I have to say (dumb and all), and they will pray for me, talk to me, encourage me, point me in the right direction when I am off, and when I have them backing me in all of those ways I will actually be stronger, not weaker, not vulnerable. Hope that made some sense.

Here it goes.

I am working with Hope Chapel in Greensboro this summer. There are five of us interns. We are all living with different families from the church. Erin and I (the two girls) are living with this awesome family called the Weatherlys. They have three kids, but only one of them hasn't left for college yet. They also have two Golden Retrievers (who I LOVE). We moved in yesterday. We get this cute little room in their rockin basement. Love the closet space and the really nice shower.

This morning we helped set up for the worship service and tore down afterwards. Patrick (intern) and I are doing our concentration this summer in what they are calling "Project Hope." It is an already existing mission within the church to engage the city of Greensboro both spiritually and socially. We had a meeting after church where the team got us up to speed on what they have been doing and planing on doing recently (more later).

All of us interns (Erin, Griffin, Matt, Patrick, and I) got dinner together tonight. They are all awesome. We're all very different from what I can tell, but good different. I can learn a lot from these people. That kind of different.

We are leaving for Boone tomorrow morning for a three day orientation.

I have a Urinary Track Infection. It hurts. It's kind of put me in a funk. Things irritate me more easily when I am not feeling great. I am on medicine and hopefully it should start clearing up soon. I don't want to be a downer. I want to be happy and fun.

Everything Moves.

I wrote this to my mom last year towards the end of the summer. She shared it will me again recently:

There is too much change that is constantly happening in this post-high school stage of my life. It's hard on me. I don't do change very well. Sometimes it feels like my heart is continually breaking. I have to leave high school and get used to college. I have to leave college and get used to internship life. Then, right when I get the hang of things and really start to love my work it's over and soon after that everyone is scattering off to school again. Nothing is constant. It's a struggle for me. I am excited to go back to school though. We're going to have a really cool group of girls this year, I think. I'm not so excited about my classes, but I'm sure they'll grow on me. I'm sad to leave Hope. I'm sad to leave home. I hope you know that I'm sad to leave you. Sad that Jenny will never greet me again. But happy and thankful that I'll get to come home sometimes. But for now, Raleigh it is.

This was so me. So something I would say. And it still is. But I'm also different now. I've changed since last summer. I am stronger than I was then. I am a little bit more brave. I'm not as insecure. I've ditched a few idols (probably also picked up a few more). But I'm better. I'm more like Jesus, or on my way to more like Jesus. I still have a lifetime more of improving to do, but I am glad for this stage. Thankful for the lessons, the trials, the friends, the memories. I am thankful for this time, and I am loving it. Maybe not always in the midst of things do I love them or appreciate them, but I love to look back and see how necessary and purposeful it all is. I cannot wait to understand in full all of the wonders and mysteries that fill this life.

My heart still hurts every time things change. I don't know if I will ever not be like that. Even transitioning into things that I am excited about is sad on some level. Going from my familiar, my routine, into something new is sad to me. It's sad and it's scary and it's hard, but it's also good. I've learned that it makes me better. It forces me to lean on solid things, the few things that don't change, that don't move. It forces me to see beauty in new things. It give me a fresh perspective. I love to be able to see life and beauty from different perspectives. It opens my heart and my mind to possibilities. It increases my ability to love. It gives me new eyes, and I need new eyes. Sometimes my old ones get in a rut, and it's hard to get them out of it on my own.

It's makes things tough when nothing stands still. It makes life hard. I feel like I'm having trouble keeping up sometimes, but I am thankful for grace. As I go into this summer (at Hope Chapel again) I don't ask for the pain to not be there, but rather that I would embrace the pain, enter into it, and learn from it. I pray that I would hold on to this solid foundation I have been gifted, and interact with all the movement, love the movement, embrace the inconsistency.

all the things I pursue

well, they stay for a season

then everything moves

everything moves, oh

my towers fall

but you aren't leaving me

cause everything moves but you